Relay For Life

TEAM PARTNERS FOR PARADISE IN MEMORY OF JEFF ANDERSON

We participated in the Relay for Life in St. George. My fabulous cousin Melinda, with the help of my fabulous cousin, Bobby decided that it would be nice to establish a team in Jeff's honor. My girls wanted to run with the team. I was going to bake cookies or something - but this was before I was able to rejoin life. (I baked cookies again for the first time - from scratch - in October). So mostly I drove my kids down, and provided some pictures for their posters and the cute booth they made up. The theme they choose was Partners for Paradise. They had a cute island thing going. It would have been super awesome if the weather had chosen to follow the theme. It was sooo cold. And the wind blew non stop. In the end, I wimped out and went to sleep in Adele's nice warm condo. A few brave souls spent the night, and someone was on the track for at least one lap every hour for the entire 24 hours!

I am very excited about doing is again - and promise to participate more fully in some way next year, as I am now back at least among the walking wounded instead of the full on zombie I was at this event! Thanks to Melinda and Bobby - and thanks to all the other family who came out to support this event in Jeff's honor. The theme was Celebrate, Remember, Fight Back ... We have, we do, and we tried! Now we need to continue to do it so others can CELEBRATE, LIVE, WIN My mom forced me to take a picture as if I was actually participating. So there you go. In Jeff's sweat pants and everything. (FYI - this is the same "Hansen Stadium" track that I will probably mention in a future post - maybe about my courtship story ;))

Easter Campout

After a lot of internal debate about if we would continue camping this year, I decided I was strong enough, brave enough, and doggone it...pretty enough to do this. I had a lot of awesome help from some amazing friends (thanks Evan and Dave - not that they will ever read this because guys reading blogs is lame - no offense to guys reading this blog) we got the trailer locked and loaded and sitting in front of the house in the "just pull straight out and stay on the road position". Evan asked me repeatedly if I wanted to at least pull it around the block to get a feel for how the brakes worked and such. I declined. My plan - always go straight, never check the mirrors, just keep going - and never get in a position to BACK anywhere! (FYI - valid plan - totally worked!)

I posted this picture the morning we were getting ready to leave, with a caption of something like "Here is praying that there is a truck driving gene, and that I got it."

And just to be clear, that is not a mini pickup with a little trailer. That is a full size - jacked up - truck with like a 32 foot trailer (or something like that - I forget, and who cares, it is behind me - and I have a no backing policy)

The trip down (and back home) was fairly uneventful. Thus allowing us to have many more camping trips over the summer. However, the complete and overwhelming anxiety every time I pull out of the driveway never did go away. Maybe that is a built in safety mechanism that I should stop trying to medicate away. I did learn to back in to the driveway - and as far as I know, I never did have to back in public (like at a gas station), however, I did have to have a guy come out and watch me once just to make sure that I was clear, because it was a really tight parking lot. I chose my gas stations more carefully after that.

Really, almost the entire trip was uneventful, except for one unfortunate accident that Chad's friend had on one of the motorcycles and ended up with a mangled arm that had to be put back together surgically. I don't have pictures of that (you're welcome) so I will just share a few pictures from the camp out.

Even though I go to all the stress and anxiety of pulling that massive trailer down, my kids love to sleep in a tent. Well, this camping trip, sadly, was the last for our tent. By the last day of camp it was duct taped and caution taped together. (Lucky for us, I found one at a yard sale in May for $5!)

No particular reason for this picture except to say that Gage is a fashionista and I am mom of the year!

The obligatory "can we just go pick up the Easter Eggs, yet" picture.

Courtney with her super clean face from riding dirt bikes with a helmet. I will take the 5 o'clock shadow look though, because it means they are WEARING THEIR HELMETS!!

The dying of the Easter eggs.

The annual "Gathering of trash to make a THE GREATEST HUT EVER"

One happy camper. (Actually, I can't believe there was a picture of me taken that I don't completely hate. I refused to change clothes or brush my hair the entire weekend in protest of being forced to sleep in the wilderness.)

Easter camp would not be complete without collecting caterpillars that then crawl in the trailer and procreate for years to come on all the camping stuff!

When I got home, my awesome neighbors had "egged" my house!

We Have A TEEN!!

Courtney's bithday! YIKES!! Anyone know a good, all girl, boarding school?

Okay, mini melt down over, let's get down to business. I would say that life circumstances caused my lack of planning, but if we are being honest, I never plan a birthday party more than 3 days in advance. It is a personality flaw. (Probably my only one, so enjoy it!)

Courtney's birthday fell on a Sunday, and by the time I realized it, I had already planned my own party for Saturday, which left her Friday. Which was April Fool's Day. We already used that theme last year - so I didn't want to do that again. On Tuesday I finally made up some invitations for her to give to her friends, so on Wednesday I told her she really had to decide what we were doing. We tossed ideas back and forth and she finally decided on a "Cake Boss" theme.

We decided everyone should decorate their own cakes. Not sure what the point of that was - we weren't doing any kind of contest, it just sounded like a good idea. This is the point where a mom who was on her game would say - CUPCAKES, let's decorate cupcakes. But I am not that mom, I was going to bake 15 cakes! Luckily my friend/awesome neighbor took pity on me and volunteered to make half the cakes. Then we realized we didn't have the right pans. So after she made a quick trip to Wal-mart for me we spent Thursday baking. Then she was nice enough to come over at 8 p.m. that night so we could frost all 15. (I should tell her that helping me find therapy would be less time comsuming!)

So Friday was the day of the big party. I planned it from 5-9 so I could have all the kids gone by 10 and be in bed. (Honestly, have I always been this dumb?) It would appear that fasionably late has changed since I was a teen so the first girl arrived at 5 and then they SLOWLY trickled in until 7:30 (I am no Miss Manners - or ever prompt, but really?!?) I have been to quite a few neighborhood parties in the last 6 months so I had a ready repoiter of "Ice Breaker" games. I got the girls started on that and they played those (and seemed to have a good time with it) until everyone arrived.

At 7:30 we started the cake decorating. (I was afraid Courtney was going to scrap that idea - which would have involved me in a straight jacket being hauled away from our house.) The hours of baking and frosting were rewarded with about 15 minutes of some really "interesting" decorating. Good thing there wasn't a contest. Maybe I should say the theme was Cake Wrecks instead of Cake Boss.

Then Courtney's friends decided she needed to have a cake smashed in her face (yes, I am looking for new friends for her).

Whatever, I am a go with the flow kind of person (yeah, couldn't even say that with a straight face, but I am trying to be more like that.) So I let it happen, after I made them move off the cement and on to the grass for easier clean up!

When the smashing was done, I locked all the doors in the house and said no one was allowed back in until they used the hose to clean off (I said I am working on my "go with the flow" attitude, it isn't perfect yet.) Half the messy girls went to a neighbor/friend at the party's house to shower, the other half showered here.

That brings us to almost 9:00, party over, right? Yeah, not so much! Another friend/neighbor had let us borrow her Kinect and dance game (BTW - I am a super HOT dancer - if I knew how to load a video I would...not). The kids decided this would be a good time to do this. Just like the arriving, the departing was a trickling sort of affair starting a little after nine. When most of the guests were gone by just a little after 11 - I asked Courtney if maybe her dear friends that were still here needed a ride home. They did! Suprise. So I drove them home - to outer BFE and got to bed at about 11:55 (for the love).

It is all good. I am sure I am the coolest mom ever and it will pay off someday.

Dear Jeff

*I asked everyone to share their memories of Jeff by writing them down and placing them in a box at the funeral or by email them to me (it is not to late, jot them down and send them to me whenever you think of one). So I thought it was only fair that I write one too. On the Sunday after his funeral I had the kids sit and write their letters. I joined them. This isn't the letter I thought I was going to write, but it is from my heart - and probably would have been more appropriate for the funeral talk - but you get what you get. I am sharing this with you now as a way to close out these posts. Thanks for your love and support! Now grab a hankie, if you react the way I did when I wrote this, and again when I typed it, and again when I proofread it, there will be a flood!

Dear Jeff,

It has been just over a week since you passed away. It has been quite a whirlwind of a week. Some pretty low lows, some pretty great times, and more than one frustrating moment!

The last two weeks we spent together were so hard, especially for you, but they were also amazing. You got so much done.

The night before the last night we had together was when my spirit really knew or acknowledged you were going. It got you all settled in your chaise lounge to sleep and you asked if the kids were coming home (they had been sleeping over at your parents with their cousins all week.) I said I didn’t know. You said it was really hard not having them around. I said I would go get them. I sensed you were scared that your time was short and you wanted to spend more time with them. When I brought the kids home we set up the video camera and you let them ask any questions they wanted (thanks for that – because you know, I still have to raise them. Having them know you made out with girls at 14 – not helpful!!). You made a valiant effort to be alert, but your body was so tired!!

The next day you asked hospice to bring in a hospital bed. I wasn’t sure why, and it seemed really inconvenient, but I was letting you have your way, so I just went with it. You tried to get comfortable in that stupid bed a couple of times, but you just couldn’t. I asked why you just didn’t sleep on that chaise. You said you didn’t want to die on my furniture. You big jerk. That broke my heart in so many ways.

That last night after Gabe and the Moab friends came to visit I got you drugged up and tucked in (on the chaise lounge.) Then I crawled in with you to have a chat. I decided to face what my spirit knew, but my mind wasn’t ready to acknowledge. I said “Let’s talk about your funeral. We have been married for over seventeen years and I don’t even know if you have a favorite hymn. You barely thought for a couple of seconds before you said “Battle Hymn of the Republic.” I told you I thought that was a weird song for a funeral, but you never said another one, so I went with it! It turned out to be a beautiful song for your funeral. Then we moved on to the song you wanted for a musical number (we had already discussed the fact that I was speaking – so I didn’t think we needed to go over that again.) You didn’t have one off the top of your head so I suggested two. You picked the one I didn’t want, so I read you the lyrics of both. You decided on the one I liked (funny how that was how it usually worked in our relationship – I am so smart!)

While we were talking you asked me to get the video camera. You had already recorded messages to the kids where you sat on the couch and tried to look as alert and strong as possible, in fact you had just finished that a few hours before. I told you there was no place for the tripod (because someone had put a big freaking hospital bed in my living room) and you told me to just hold it. You lay there, weak, tired and with your oxygen on and recorded a beautiful message for me that I will always cherish. You reminisced about our lives together, what a gift, you even remembered things I had forgotten!

Then you needed to sleep. You slept for an hour and woke at 9:30. You asked where the kids were. I said they would be home soon. You didn’t feel up to doing much when they got home, so I got out the things to do hand molds with the kids and you were able to do one with each of them. Then we had a family prayer and hugs and kisses good night. I think it was the first time the whole family had slept under the same roof in a week!

You woke up again at 4 am and I gave you more meds and lay by you to do a breathing treatment. Your body was just so tired! I kept thinking (but couldn’t ever say it out loud) “I want you to stay with me forever, but if you need to go I will be okay.”

After I gave you a drink at 7 am I knelt by your bed crying and repeating those words over and over in my head, but I never did say them to you!

I got up to go to the bathroom at 8. I was gone for less than two minutes. When I got back, you were gone. It was like you were just waiting for that quiet moment alone.

I gathered the family and told the kids and we sat by your quiet earthly body while we waited for the funeral home to come. But I am sure your spirit was everywhere in that room giving out love and peace. Your dad offered a sweet family prayer before they took your body away.

It was like our lives suddenly came off pause and the whirlwind began. We had to go to the funeral home and make all your arrangements. I was a bit of a maniac! I felt like we needed some joking around to lighten the mood. I think your parents thought I needed drugs! I think the funeral director thought my apathy could not have been more complete. Four hours of making decisions I couldn’t care less about and I would say they were both right!

Then there were still all the little details. The service program, the pall bearers, the memorial video, the sign in book, clothes for the kids, clothes for me, writing the obituary. It seemed there were so many details. Add to that business things cropping up, I know they could have waited but sometimes it is just easier to deal!!

By Saturday everyone had returned to their homes and I chose to stay in my pajamas and watch TV (the TV that had been off for three weeks) all day. That was a good day!!

I do okay most of the time, I told you I would. Most of the time it doesn’t seem real, which makes it easier; but then something will happen and I will want to call you (usually I am just being rude), or I will look for you in a room, or I will think about an event or occasion you should be at and I feel myself crumble inside and the tears flow and I wonder again how it can be part of the plan that the two most important men in my life are both gone. I had them each for only about 18 years and I am a 36 year old widow and the world would call me a single mother (a role I will never accept because I expect you to be here all the time to keep them out of the biggest troubles!)

I did get to have some amazing experiences this last week also, sweet Tiffany went through the temple and was sealed to her cute family. Madison was so precious there. It was very poignant to think about them unifying their family for time and eternity as we begin the eternity portion of our family. How grateful I was for the choices we made 17 ½ years ago when we knelt at the altar (and you bumped your head on the chandelier, and my Uncle Karl – who sealed us – called you a big teddy bear) and were sealed for time and eternity through the proper priesthood authority.

And speaking of being sealed, this week the kids and I, your parents, and my mom had the opportunity to visit Elder Holland. He talked about how we use the word sealed, but really it is more than that – if we live worthily of those convents and blessings it is more like being WELDED together. He also blessed me to know that our kids would be okay; that that they wouldn’t be permanently damaged by having you taken to Heaven and out of their day to day lives so early. That was a great blessing – especially because I wasn’t sure they would be undamaged having me as their mother – even with both of us here! He also told me I would receive pleasure from my grandkids and my great grandkids, so I guess you are going to have lots of time to prepare my mansion in Heaven. I sure hope they have a self cleaning version there!

I love you so much and I am grateful for the time we had here together. I value all we learned together and the growth we experienced through good times and bad. Send me back a memory or two of our lives together here and there. I will try to be diligent about writing them down for the kids! I love you for time – and for all eternity (I just wish the space in between didn’t feel so long!) All my love!!

Cindy

Families are Forever

The day after the funeral was a pretty special day for the whole Anderson Family, but especially for Jeff's little sister, Tiffany and her family. Tiffany and her husband, Bill, were able to go to the Oquirrh Mountain temple and be sealed together for all eternity. At that time, they were also able to be sealed to their sweet two year old daughter, Madison. It was a poignant reminder of why I felt so strongly about being married in the temple for time, and for all eternity. As I watched them being sealed I couldn't help but think that my "all eternity" was starting and I was so happy for them that they could know that they had the same promises and blessings.

Not to be totally cheesy, but for those of you of my generation and older I always think of that song "I'll Build You A Rainbow" with the little boy at his mom's funeral saying "Don't worry dad, families are forever!" I know that families are forever and that we will be together with Jeff again one day.

Later that day, our family (the kids and I) and Jeff's parents and my mom, had the opportunity to meet with Elder Jeffrey R. Holland (okay as I typed that, it is the first time I noticed the name thing "Jeffrey R" spelled the same with the same middle initial - (sorry that was random)).

Elder Holland is one of the 12 apostles of the Mormon (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) church. (The First Presidency (3 men) together with the quorum of the 12 apostles make up the general leadership of our church.) Anyway, it is an honor to have a meeting with such and important and busy leader in our church. We had a nice chat with Elder Holland and we talked about being sealed as a family. He made the comment that sometimes he felt that sealed wasn't a strong enough word. He thought a better description was "welded" together as a family (and I am totally paraphrasing him, please don't quote this with credit to him). But I loved that. Even though we are apart for now, we are welded together. That is a very strong bond.

I feel like I am rambling (like that is different), so I will just leave you with some cute pictures of the forever family that was "welded" together that day!

Oh, and it was St. Patrick's Day, and yes, the leprechauns found us, thanks to a little help from my sister!!

My Funeral Tribute Talk About Jeff

This is the text of the talk I gave at Jeff's funeral. Yes, I really do write all of the lame jokes in to my talk, and I couldn't find a way to edit them out for this post and still keep it real. **Warning: At the end of this post are some pictures of Jeff in his casket. I thought when my cousin was taking them that my might be creepy, but I thought they turned out really sweet. If that creeps you out, maybe don't scroll clear to the bottom of this post (especially if you were there to hear this talk anyway!

I told Jeff if he died there were two things that I was going to do – 1) Wear jeans to his funeral. His response was “Why would I care?” I said “I knew you wouldn’t, but our moms are going to have a coronary.” And 2) I will be the only speaker at your funeral and it will be short and pretty irreverent. He said “The widow never speaks.” I said “After 17 years of marriage are you telling me, for the first time, that I can’t do something?” He said “No, you can if you want, but I’m not sure you really can.” When Jeff and I met he listened only to rock music “KBER”, I helped him mature and love country music. I told him – when I think of the last year we have been through and all I am watching you go through now one country song comes to mind when I think about speaking at your funeral. This Ain’t Nothing. Our lives have felt like they were on pause the last two months and even more so in the last two weeks. I feel like having this opportunity to pay tribute to Jeff, no matter how irreverent it might get, is the first step to getting our life back to normal play speed and rejuvenating the personality of our family that became so bogged down with worry, pain and fear. This is the third time I am speaking at a funeral in a year and a half and the third important man I have lost in that time. Maybe this time I will get it right and we can have a break for a while. The first two men were my grandpas. Writing a tribute to them was so much easier because we had “moments”; little things between us that were the building blocks of our relationship. Figuring out where to start with this tribute has been harder because while Jeff and I had our moments, oh boy did we have our moments, it was more than that. It was our LIVES, and how can I express how amazing that life has been for the past almost 18 years in just a few moments. I remember the day I met Jeff. I was moving in to the apartment above his in college housing and he saw me carrying a box in from my truck. He barely paused as he said “I’d carry that for you, but it isn’t my day to be a gentleman.” And to think, he is the only boy I ever dated! I would tell my girls to run away from that kind of guy, but I would be wrong. My dad passed away a little less than a year before I met Jeff. It was beautiful and healing to watch him interact with my younger siblings. They adored him from day one, especially little 8 year old Beau. Jeff never blew them off and was always playful and fun. I knew he would be a great dad someday. Kids flocked to him everywhere we would go. When I told my mom we were getting married a few months later she became concerned and took me to lunch to have a chat. She asked me to really think hard about this decision and make sure I wasn’t rushing in to marriage with the first guy I dated, just to replace my dad. I thought she was crazy. To my love glazed eyes, my dad and Jeff were nothing alike. Now, almost 18 years later, I know that they were scarily similar in all the most important ways. My dad considered his family his most important possession, so did Jeff. They both expressed this through fun family outings like camping and 4-wheeling. Jeff and I had a bit more means than my parents had when I was younger so we also added in road trips, Disneyland trips and a family cruise. Jeff and I also got to go on some pretty amazing trips as a couple. We loved every trip we ever took to Mexico, and we actually made it to Hawaii, which had been a goal, just three months ago. Jeff “pulled a muscle” just a week before we were to leave on our trip. I say “pulled a muscle” because he always maintained that was where the pain came from but knowing what we knew three weeks later, I think it is very likely that the returning cancer was causing some of his pain. He didn’t want to go because of the pain, and encouraged me to just go without him, with Kim and Warren, as planned, and leave him behind. Sometimes he didn’t realize that his generous and selfless offers would really be the option that would be harder for me to live with. I bought him crutches, rented a wheelchair, and using my “mad, street cred” obtained the “appropriate” medications to keep him as comfortable as possible. I think he actually enjoyed the trip, except for the crazy rooster that crowed 23 hours a day. Another way that my dad and Jeff were very similar is their ability to make friends. I didn’t recognize this trait in Jeff in the beginning. I knew his friends; they were his roommates and had been his friends since high school. What I didn’t know is that this was just one small circle and Jeff had, and would build, many circles of friends. And he had a gift for networking those circles into a mutually beneficial web of friends. Jeff had many people he met as clients or business associates, but I only ever knew they were friends. I found out during the last week that someone he had been friends with for ten years, and I had assumed he met the same way I did, in our ward (church congregation), was actually a Tuff Shed client. Jeff found out he liked to go 4 wheeling and invited him along to Moab. Then later, when that client/friend found out we were looking for a house he got together with another friend (who it turns out was a client) to be sure we looked at one that was a good deal in their neighborhood, where I finally met them, after we bought that house. When this story was told this past week as people stopped by to reminisce and visit Jeff, I thought “How do you go from a guy looking to buy a garage to a neighbor and friend that is cared enough about to be at the top of someone’s list when they shared they have terminal cancer. This was Jeff’s gift. He had some “friends”, but those were just people he was getting to know well enough they could be “family”. One of the hardest things I had to do to plan this funeral was choose people to help with the services today. He wanted these services to be fun and SHORT which forced me to “pick” just a few to participate. But those were the hardest decisions to make because you were ALL his favorite. That is why I asked to have pencils and paper laid out today, so you could share what we missed by not getting to hear your tribute story; because if I even chose what I would have considered Jeff’s best friends, we would have had to plan to be here for 12 hours. I could do that around a campfire, but I can’t do it in a dress. I feel like I’m getting this off to a bad start on the keeping it short part, so I will just talk about one more aspect of Jeff’s personality; his excessive, obsessive need to be an entrepreneur. This disorder really took off the last 10 years or so, but had I known what to look for I should have spotted it from the beginning. When we first met, Jeff was unemployed and worked for a temp agency (again, not something I would advise my girls to look for in a man. I better start thinking about how to teach them to look beyond some seemingly scary aspects to find what lies beneath.) He did all kinds of jobs for the temp agency, but my favorite was garbage man. We were still dating at the time and he got home from work the same time I did. So he came over to me in the parking lot to give me a hug and there was unidentified goo on his shirt. I dodged away and told him I would see him after he showered, TWICE!! What I missed, thinking he was just a temp, was that he and his friends “the Chrises” had a carpet cleaning business. They had made up business cards and they had equipment from Chris Delahunty’s dad’s floor covering store. I don’t know how much work they actually did with that, but it should have been my first clue that he was destined to be a business owner. After we got married (and football season ended) he got a “real” job at Anderson Lumber. It soon became clear to me that the “job” portion of that was just a tool he used to get to where he wanted to be, a business owner. He would hang out around the lumber section where the “elderly” gentlemen would come in with a plan of what they were going to build or more likely something their old naggy wife wanted done. So Jeff would start walking them through how to best accomplish what they wanted to do. He would help them work up a materials list, he would talk about the tools they would need, and just when the old geezers eyes would start to glaze over as he wondered what he had gotten himself in to, Jeff would casually say “or you know, a friend and I build sheds, decks, fences, gazebos, all kinds of stuff. We could help you out with this.” Jeff had some construction experience at the time, but probably not enough and Chris could probably still show you where the fence with the whammy in it is. After we moved to Salt Lake the side job business owner lay pretty dormant for a while. We started school at the U and he started working “part time” at Tuff Shed. I think he may have worked less than 40 hours the first two weeks. He was driven to excel! His salesman spirit was revitalized and awakened there and he loved a challenge. If someone wanted to order something besides the standard shed he would get so excited about figuring it out. He knew he couldn’t be the owner there so he became the best salesman. We were going to Denver every year to collect his top salesman of the year award. Life was good! We had started our family and I was a stay at home mom. We had recently purchased our home in South Jordan when he said to me one night, “So, this guy from another shed company approached me at the home show and we went to lunch and he wants me to buy in to his company. It is smaller than Tuff Shed and my income would for sure go down, but he has a solid product and I really think it could grow.” After a little discussion and pros and cons listing, and me figuring out that if I was opposed to this it wouldn’t be long before he went out on his own and started from scratch anyway – because the business owner fever had struck again I said “Let’s just do it.” So we scraped together the buy in money and he asked me to take it in. I went there full of faked confidence and check in hand. I walked in and asked for Mike. When I saw him I thought “What has Jeff done?! That is the scariest guy I have ever met!” Mike asked me to sit and chat a minute and he talked about the business and how hard they worked and what they had been willing to sacrifice to get it where it was. He told me how excited he was for Jeff to be a part of it and all they would accomplish together. Mike is still the scariest guy I know, but he was so right. They accomplished so much together, and ventured out in other industries. And Jeff ventured in even more. It got to the point one year, as I was getting the paperwork together to have our taxes done I went to the state business entity website and searched his name just to find all the businesses he had become a part of. I think Jeff got an adrenaline high from starting and managing businesses and seeing what he could create. I know Jeff was an adrenaline junkie! His many riding trips and the stories I would hear later attest to that. His trips started out as “guy” trips. Then they started some daddy daughter ones. Then he started taking all the kids. What I was doing while this was happening remains a mystery. But I do remember when he finally got me to go with them. I was shocked and horrified to see what had been going on all those years. The hills of Moab look like a death trap to this mom. But I am so grateful he did it, and the kids were able to experience that with him. He told me in the last few weeks that he regretted not doing more family things. He felt like he had wasted the last year “waiting to get better.” But we packed more into our short time together than most people get to do with their families in a lifetime. And just this last year we took the girls to Washington DC with his parents. We went to Hawaii, and as I mentioned earlier we went to Vegas as a family less than two weeks ago. I can’t say I feel we wasted any time. I will admit that the trip to Vegas was pretty rough on me. I was quite sleep deprived from stress and we got started on the drive late both directions and it is a long drive. On the drive home I told him that he could sleep or whatever, but I needed something to keep me awake and it had to be my cheesy church music that I had never listened to with him before (I was pushing it with country). I knew the CD well and had my favorite songs on the CD but this time a different song stood out to me and has kept coming back to mind over the last two weeks. So I am going to share the chorus with you. And I wonder How could he know the heartache I feel When he lived a perfect life From Gethsemane to Calvary Was it really for me that He died Then the Spirit whispers These words ringing true From the garden to the cross He walked a mile in my shoes. It is comforting to know that my Savior already walked this path FOR me and he is willing to do it again WITH us. I know that Jeff knew, in his Spirit that his time here was short. He became very reflective the last few weeks. He told everyone who stopped by or called on the phone, or any other contact he had to use him as a wake up call. Get your priorities where they belong. Nothing in life matters but faith and family. He told everyone he didn’t regret not spending more time at work. He had some regrets about not expressing his faith more openly. He had a lot of sadness about leaving his family behind, but he took lots of opportunities to tell us how much he loved us and to remind us that we are an eternal family and our family IS forever! I think often of the theme I learned in Young Women “I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me”. I know He loves every one of us. I know he has a plan for each of us. I know that plan is perfect even if we don’t understand it now. And I know that the kids and I (and the rest of our family and friends) are going to be okay because His Son, Jesus Christ, walked a mile in our shoes. And when we feel like the burden is too much to bear, He knows, and he will be there for us. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

These are the balloons that we wrote messages off and let go of after the graveside service.

**(This is also your last warning if you don't want to see casket pictures)

The mortuary provided "twin" bears for each of the kids. They got to put one in with Jeff and keep the twin for themselves. You can't see it in the picture, but I sent him with Skittles (taste the rainbow, sweetie!)

A dear friend, Glen, had me tuck a silver dollar in his pocket that he brought for Jeff. During that last week Jeff had told everyone that he had signed everything he owned over to me so he was broke (I promised him a minimum wage job if he would just beat the cancer), but his friend didn't want him to leave without anything. It was a 1904 silver dollar, the same birth year as both of Glen's grandpas. He also gave me a 1972 (Jeff's birth year) silver dollar for each of our kids.

Courtney didn't want to be in the picture.

Faith, Family, Friends

While we were making our trip to and from Vegas, Jeff's brother (who is the only sibling that doesn't live within 10 miles of his parents), was making the drive to visit from Ohio, with his wife and five kids. That is love and dedication to family. Jeff had called him and asked him to come for a visit - and through much work and finagling on their part, they were able to be out here within a week!

As soon as the kids woke up and found out their cousins were at grandma and grandpa's house, we rarely saw them the rest of the week. On Monday, we had some time in the afternoon that was just the two of us. Jeff was kneeling beside his chaise lounge with his head resting on his arms on the seat (think praying position) because it was the most comfortable position for him, it took the pressure off his lungs a little. He looked over at me sitting across the room and said "We should rent a cabin or condo for the weekend." (He believed he had 6-8 weeks left - I still believed the miracle would be years left.) I could only think, "For the love, are you trying to kill ME off!" But I just said, "Why don't we hang out and visit with your family and friends and see about doing that next week."

I was humbled and amazed by how many people we had stop by that week. I always have good intentions, but they are paving my way to Hell because I never follow through. These family and friends took the time to drive ALL the way out to the boonies where we live to visit him. I hope in the future when I have a little thought to visit a friend or make a call that I am better about doing it. What a gift for us and them! It was really fun to reminisce, and tell stories, and laugh and cry with all of them. I don't think anyone got a to leave without Jeff telling them he loved them and to get their lives in line with the priorities that really matter. Jeff has always said, for as long as I have known him, that relationships are the only thing we can take with us. He was adamant that week that everyone know that and recognize that in their own lives. He was very serious. I don't even really remember any smiles or laughing that week from him. He really wanted people to understand his message and to take it to heart.

I am finding that I don't have a lot to say about this week (shocking, I know), but part way through the week someone had a brilliant idea to start taking pictures of people as they came to visit. (I think it was Jeff's idea - I only ended up with a few, but I will leave you with some of those as compensation for not having anything to write now.)

I don't know what the flexing is all about, but I like it, and I love how everyone just pulled up chairs or a spot on the floor, just to be near him.

This is one of my favorite pictures (and I should crop it to emphasize why I love it) but when I saw Jeff and his dad holding hands, a piece of my heart melted (while another piece broke). So sweet. They have the greatest relationship!

Honestly, no makeup or hair fixing for either of us this week. (But Jeff did put a shirt on, just for pictures this night! )

It was very important for Jeff that he take individual pictures with each kid. That is something I don't have, and he felt bad about that for me. I don't know if these pictures will ever be used for anything but my blog (because they are kind of sad) but they are precious. With Courtney, such a beautiful girl, inside and out. She was such an amazing helper. She watched everything I did and worked to help with his special diet and any other needs she could help him with.

Miss Brooke, with her mischievous personality and teasing nature! (I wonder where that comes from!) Jake. He told his dad he would be "the man of the house". I'm not sure what he thought that meant, because I have always been "the boss" of the house!

Danger. (Although some of you know him as Gage.) The baby - and still treated and acts like the baby. Jeff recorded a cute video on Brooke's phone about why we call him Danger (it was completely inaccurate, but cute)

Jeff with all the kids. They really are doing great. I know a lot of you don't believe me, or think I am just saying all the things I think people want to hear, but if there is one skill that Jeff and I were good at, and taught our kids, it was coping. We are both fairly laid back and easy going (don't bring up my interactions with Comcast), and we were always real and honest with them about what was going on. This allowed them to ask questions and talk and cry with us. I see that as a gift to them. (Although, when Jake heard that I was looking at the grief counseling center for kids, his ears perked up and he asked when we could go to counseling. We are going, but I think he just likes the attention.)The whole family. We are pretty cute!

Jeff and his mama, Sally.Jeff with all his living siblings (I don't remember if I posted in an earlier post about his baby brother Stephen who passed away 36 years ago at the age of 2 months.) Sally said to me (and I hope she is okay with me sharing) "When people ask me how many kids I have, I have always said six because it is hard to explain, but now I will always say seven!" (How do you people read this stuff - I cry like a two year old just writing it!)Jeff and his brothers. James on the left, Josh (from Ohio) standing, Jeremy on the right.

The rest of these pictures are in no particular order, just the way they uploaded.

One of Jeff's best and longest standing friends Ramon, and his sister Elaina (I think I botched the spelling - sorry) And yes, Ramon always looks that puzzled!

Jeff with the scariest man I know, Mike. A business partner who becomes your brother (really, check his facebook). That was Jeff's gift, and this was/is a very special relationship.

Clay and Tyler. Again, some of Jeff's longest standing friends. These guys came by a lot, and did a ton to help out on the fundraiser, too. Thank you!

Evan - I think he is one of the Sand Dunes friends - but that could just be how I met him. I will have to ask Evan one day if that is how he met Jeff, or if there is a back story I don't know! (I told him I knew someone who could photoshop the mess in my kitchen right out of this picture!)

Jon, business associate who became a friend! We had some wonderful dinners out with he and his wife. He also was so good about stopping by and checking on Jeff during the past few months. He was on his way to Hawaii the day after this (the day Jeff passed away). I hope he had a wonderful time and made some memories of his own to cherish. That is what Jeff would have wanted.

Doug and Ben - business associates who were great friends to Jeff.

Hey, Ramon got in here twice, this is his wife Tammy. She went to high school with Jeff, too. But we have been friends with them since Jeff and I got married. In fact, we are such great friends we had our first children with a week of each other! They are also the couple we took most of our great trips to Mexico with!

Nick (and Jeremy again). Nick is such an awesome friend. And if my camera viewfinder wasn't a little off from the picture I actually end up getting, I would have shared with you the picture of Nick groping Jeff. (I probably should because Jeff is looking down in it, but it is a very good smile!)

There were so many more of you, and I am sorry I didn't get more pictures. If the group that was here visiting was more than 6-8 my brain just shut down and I didn't remember to take pictures. And I have no idea why I don't have one of Jeff and Gabe. Gabe was here at least 5 times that week. And for those of you who heard him speak at the funeral, that was an even more amazing tribute than you know. I could never have pictured him talking in front of a group that size, it just isn't the Gabe I know. But when I kidded him about it he looked me straight in the eye and said "For Jeff, I would do it!" And he did such a wonderful job! The stories are loved and cherished by everyone who heard him tell them. And he is such a great story teller. But we can lose the buffalo hunting one before my kids understand what that was about and decide they want to try it!