The Day That Will Be Known As Crap

So - the big scans! Did it all work? We spent the whole day at the hospital while Jeff drank crap and was injected with more crap for all the scans ordered. He felt like such crap he could barely sit up (you would think that would have been some sort of sign for me - the fact that he seemed to be getting worse not better - but my denial-o-meter must have been working overtime). I tried to get him some healthy "on plan" food, but the hospital cafeteria had nothing but crap. So he ate chicken tortilla soup. I think that was the second time he had animal products in two months. He thought it was delicious! After we got home from the scans, I found we were completely out of food so I grabbed Courtney and ran to Harmon's. (If only I knew it would be the last time I ever bought asparagus!) While we were gone a wonderful friend brought Jeff the news of the scans (we are so grateful for him. Jeff's doctor wouldn't see until eight days after the scans - because it takes that long to get results, talking about being full of crap!) Crap - why wasn't I home. But in hindsight again (don't you love how I use hindsight, but post these on the days they happened) it was a blessing because if I hadn't taken Courtney shopping she would have been sitting in the living room when the news was delivered. It was better for Jeff to be able to ask all his questions and to be able to digest the news before having to share it with the kids. I got home from shopping and I could see it on his tear stained face. I just went and sat on his chaise lounge with him. He gave me a big hug and said "I am so sorry - you tried so hard" As if he hadn't tried, or as if he had failed me in some way. (Crap, big freaking jerk! - Now I am bawling again.) After sitting and hugging and crying for a few minutes we realized that Courtney was sitting in the room and watching us. So he told her, which brought another round of crying. Then he called his family, and they all gathered (more crying). When we had all said what we could say, and cried what we could cry, we asked the only logical question. What is for dinner!?! Pizza. Vegan-hood (it is a word people) had failed us. We were going with comfort food. I told him to only eat a little, but he seemed to tolerate it well, with no ill side effects. What an amazing adaptable body he had. If it wasn't for that one tiny cell that decided to take over the universe- crap! I always hated doing his medical history. It was always no, no, no, no, no...yes(crap), no, no, no... The complete results weren't in, but what we did know was crappy. The cancer had spread to his liver, pancreas, and lungs. We did know that the fighting was over, and the only hope was a miracle intervention from our Heavenly Father. (crap - said with all reverence) While I trust in His perfect plan, I hated giving up what felt like the only kind of control we had over this situation. Not that it was really any kind of control in the first place, but it felt like something, and now nothing - crap!

I'll Die Trying

Okay, so from now on all my posts will have titles from country music songs (not really, but that would be awesome, right!)

I do like this song, and I think it has a fairly appropriate message, but what it really made me think of is Jeff's fight with cancer. When he was diagnosed the second time we researched and agonized in a complete frenzy over what to do.

The first time around we just blindly did everything the doctors said and trusted that all would be well. The second time we knew better, and they didn't give us much hope, so we decided to see what was out there. There is a lot of crazy crap out there!!

It was torture trying to decide what the best route would be. We got the advice to "follow the Spirit" a lot. I don't know how it is for others, but when your life is in that much turmoil, it is really hard to hear the Spirit. For me the feeling was to choose what we were going do, and do it whole-heartedly and the rest would work out how it was meant to. So I guess technically, I wasn't that helpful, Jeff had to make the ultimate decision.

We went until the night before radiation and chemo were scheduled to start before a decision was made. He wanted to try everything, but we knew that wasn't feasible (that would kill you) so we decided to do the things that seemed to have the most research behind them. He decided that Sunday night to do the chemo and radiation, which made other options not options anymore, but in hindsight, I think that was right. Lots of the "alternatives" would have taken us from home for five days to three weeks at a time. Even though he had treatments every day Monday -Friday, we were here to send our kids off to school and here when they got home. That was important time!

As I mentioned in the last post we also did lots of alternatives. Mainly the diet. Also, handfuls of vitamins and supplements, juicing, wheat grass, mega dose vitamin c, hyperbaric chamber, hydrogen peroxide, vitamin b17 injections. That is why I think the title "I'll die trying" is so appropriate. He tried everything we could feasibly do, and he did it completely. He didn't eat sugar from the day he was diagnosed. He only ate meat products toward the end part of February, and then it was only when alternatives weren't available (hospitals do not have many vegan options), and he never ate dairy. I told him that we were going to do everything we could, the best we could, and then live with no regrets. I can honestly tell you, I have no regrets! We did everything we possibly could. I know that this was what was meant to happen. That isn't to say I am happy about it, or even okay with it, but I do know that we will be okay. We will be watched over and protected because of this challenge.

Back to the story. So Jeff did 6 rounds of chemotherapy. He went in once a week, for 6 weeks for an infusion of nasty chemicals that took over two hours. He never complained. In fact, if he felt side effects from the chemo, I never knew. It wasn't as harsh as the first round he did last year so I do think he actually had much less side effects.

He also did 7 weeks of daily radiation therapy. This treatment only took about 10 minutes (the drive was an hour round trip, so that was *great*!) It actually wasn't too bad. I drove him the last three or 4 weeks so it gave us some extra time to spend together. The side effects of the radiation were much harsher than the side effects of the chemo. They were downright terrible and nearly intolerable. He also got radiation burns that we reported when they were really small, but the doctor brushed them off and said it was normal. A week later it had gone from an inch round to 2 inches by 8 inches. We asked to talk to a doctor. His was out of the office that day and no other doctor was "willing" to see us. Yes, the nurse really said that to us. But she hooked us up with some cream and special pads for radiation burns and it was like magic. The burns were so much better in three days when we changed the dressing. (Nice that the Doctor didn't help us when the burns were small).

I was going to make this post clear through the end, but it is getting too long, so I will split it up into many small posts for your reading enjoyment. This will be the end of the treatment posts. I will leave you with the fabulous picture I snapped (with my phone) on his last day of chemo.

Passion for the Possible

We have an amazing and sweet friend, Cassidy Carbine (a childhood friend of Traci's, aren't childhood friends the best, always there when you need them!), who put together a benefit concert. I have to say, she was tenacious. Jeff and I were both bratty about it. We both like to be the center of attention, but for very different reasons and in very different ways (I think we all know my ways of being the center of attention).

But she kept at it, and felt very strongly about it, so she pushed through our bad attitudes. She put together an amazing event.

When I gave her the date to use for the event, I thought it was two weeks after treatment ended. Because of miscommunication or a misunderstanding I had of the treatment, it ended up actually being DAYS after the end of treatment. He felt SO horrible that day (denial was my best friend). The event was supposed to be from 6-10 pm. He finally got up to shower at 5 (not that I am judging, I showered at 4:30.) But just walking from the living room to the bedroom his entire body was covered in sweat. So he lay down on the bed and fell asleep. He slept until almost 6. Then he "cowboy"ed up and got shower and dressed (it was the first time I saw him in jeans in over 6 weeks - man my honey is hot!!)

We got to the event at about 6:45 - he really needed to use the restroom but he was immediately swarmed by people and he was too polite or too embarrassed to say anything, so finally Traci just made him at least sit down to talk - and it was actually the longest he had gone without using the bathroom in weeks (I think it was a little miracle.)

On the way home, I said to him "I hope this doesn't sound sick, but that event was so awesome. It was like a preview to a funeral. Not that I am planning on you dying, but no one really gets to attend their funeral, but look at how many people love you and made the effort to come out and support us. I bet you didn't even get a chance to talk to all of them." He agreed that it was amazing and he was so grateful to have done it. We had a wonderful time, and for lots of people it was their last time to see him and I am sure it is a memory they will treasure.

When he came home that night it was straight to bed where he had one of the best nights of sleep he had in weeks.

Courtney signing the banner - that now hangs in Gage's room. Notice she signed to the right, and is now signing for her friend Liz who is standing next to her. I wonder where she gets he need for attention?

This is what it is all about. A zest for life!

Random group shot (I am horrible at pictures) but there were about three rooms this size filled with people all night, and this was only the very last half an hour!

I wish I could personally thank every person who was there that night, and everyone who donated a good, service or their time. But I would surely leave someone out, mostly because there was so much love and service provided that evening - and in preparation for that evening - that I don't even know everyone who donated something or purchased something. So please know, and spread the word, that you have my undying gratitude. This did more for all our spirits than I can ever fully express.

YYYThank You!!YYY

The Info Everyone Wants (even if it isn't funny!)

My world is all about keeping it funny, and my world took a huge leap into the unfunny with the beginning of 2011. I cope by getting funnier (you have noticed, right)! But since (in the words of TAMN) this is my journal, I have to include it. But then I will hurry and bury it by funnier posts. On January 3rd Brooke had a party (for no good reason except they were off track). They went with a wintery theme and put shredded toilet paper on the fan blades to simulate snow. Between the mess that made and the 20ish preteen girls, by 4 in the afternoon I was feeling like crawling into bed for a long winter's nap. Then Jeff came home from work. The first words out of his mouth were, "The cancer is back". I was speechless (shocking, right). I just sat at the table for a few minutes without saying anything. Then he said "you think I'm joking, but I'm not." I followed that up with "At the point we are in our lives, I know you know better than to joke about that!" He didn't know a lot, but his oncologist had called and told him that it was seen on the CT and the MRI and that he wanted to see us first thing the next morning. UGH - that is a long night! The next day we showed up at the office, I am sure we had the deer in the headlights look, because that is exactly how I felt. The doctor came in and said basically, "So, the tumor is back. It is very aggressive and very fast growing. It has grown in to the pelvic bone. I am recommending that you start chemo and radiation right away to try to control the growth so it doesn't break the bone and render you immobile." Jeff replied with "So you are telling me that I am 38 and I'm not going to live to see 40?" (he has a way with words too!) The doctor sat there without saying anything for almost a minute before he said "It is very aggressive and our fear was always that it would come back". Then his phone rang and he said, "Excuse me, I need to take this!" Really, for the love!! He had set up with the radiation oncologist for us to go right downstairs to his office immediately. Shell shocked and crying, we headed down. The radiation oncologist is an older guy (who looks like Alan Alda - from MASH). He had a much better bedside manner. He hadn't had time to go through Jeff's charts completely, but based on what he knew, he said that with chemo and radiation together, we had a 10% chance of killing the cancer. He also left the room to answer a phone call (I know - I am starting a seminar to retrain doctors.) But when he came back in the room, and I was crying again, he held my hand for the rest of our visit. I thought that was sweet. (And later, while Jeff was getting his tattoo's and I was sitting in the waiting room - crying- he saw me and came out to pat my head. I won't lie, that was a little weird, but nice of him!) So we left there with a plan to start radiation on Monday (every day, Monday through Friday) and chemo on Tuesday (once a week) for five weeks. With somewhere between 0-10% chance of beating it (according to medicine). These odds were not good enough for us, so we started researching every hokey, voodoo, home remedy and alternative cancer therapy ever invented. The first thing he did cut out all sugar, dairy, and other animal products (meat and eggs) from his diet. This was done on day one! We were basing his diet changes on what is known as an alkalizing diet. It is mainly fresh fruits and vegetables. Even grains were out!! He drank LOTS of green smoothies we affectionately refer to as sludge during the first week (or ten days) while I did more research and we sought out help. (When we asked his oncologist his opinion about "alternatives" he basically said "Well, it can't hurt you at this point." Thanks Dr. Optimistic, you are awesome!) We researched alternative treatment centers all over the US and in Mexico during that first week. We weren't sure if chemo and radiation were the right path. We were very confused and on information overload. We did have the help of family members and friends researching and sending us information, which helped to focus things for me. I determined that the things that came up the most, were the ones we should try to incorporate first. By Sunday, our heads were still just spinning (not quite a week after we first found out). We had an appointment at an alternative clinic in Idaho, and an appointment for radiation on Monday morning. Jeff decided that night to go ahead with the conventional treatments of chemo and radiation, but to also incorporate the diet changes, and many supplements and other "alternative" treatments as they made sense and were feasible. We added in nuts, and after talking to a doctor who believes in holistic treatments (why they don't all believe is baffling) he recommended that if we weren't going to add in animal protein, in the form of lean meat, that we should probably add in legumes to help with a feeling of fullness. This opened some options for better tasting soups and stews (although, I still only use kidney beans (least acidic), cooked from scratch (the canned ones have sugar). **(Just a side note on doctors not believing in "non-medical" or "alternative" therapies, I picked up an article at our oncologists office that someone had photocopied and placed multiple copies in each exam room. It was on colon cancer and the conclusion of the article was that eating a healthy diet with lots of fiber and fruits and vegatables MAY reduce the risk of colon cancer and MAY lead to fewer recurrances of colon cancer in people with a previous diagnosis. But further studies should be done. I was kind of horrified. It just seems like common sense to me. And I would ask why those studies haven't been done, but as a person who is always on the diet roller coaster I know that it takes some serious dedication to stay on a healthy diet that is low in processed food. And it takes LOTS more time. - But do it, you are worth it, and studies or no - I guarantee it will benefit you! Try to get any guarantee from your doctor on anything!!) As I write this, we are sitting in Jeff's 6th chemo treatment (and last). I know I said five, but when we met with the doctor last week he said that since we still had a week of radiation left he would have Jeff do one more treatment. (I know, I think he is making it up as he goes along, too.) As far as alternatives he takes a handful of supplements in the morning and a handful at night. Drinks lots of different concoctions including Monavie, POM pomegranate juice, Aloe, Hydrogen Peroxide. We had a whole house water purification system installed, and also reverse osmosis on the kitchen sink. That is the only water I use for anything that will go IN our bodies. It tastes yucky, but I guess we get used to having minerals and junk in our water so pure H2O is pretty different. For diet, it is still mainly fruits, veggies and nuts. I have thrown in a little Basmati rice to bulk up the meals. I make him a "delicious" shot of wheat grass juice every morning (I add a couple of drops of the essential oil Frankincense to that). I am sure there is nothing more tasty in the whole world. He follows that up with a glass of freshly juiced Carrot/Apple juice. I have also come up with what I actually believe (no, really) is a yummy taco soup. I use taco sauce instead of the packet (packets have sugar), made from scratch kidney beans, the EXPENSIVE canned tomatoes (because the more expensive brands don't have sugar), and some finely chopped cauliflower. He adds jalapenos and vegan sour cream to his, but I don't. Dessert is a smoothie of almond milk, strawberries and bananas. The kids really love this! Gage asks for it every night, and lots of mornings for breakfast, too. The holistic minded doctor saw Gage one day while we were their for treatment and diagnosed him as allergic to dairy. We figured it was worth exploring and have taken the kids off dairy. They are pretty happy with almond milk, as long as I get the sweetened kind. If I mess up and a get a "milk" they don't like, it goes in the smoothie, and they don't know the difference! This is totally jumping around (which is why I should keep up on it as life goes along). We, of course, weren't okay with the 0% odds given to us by the oncologist, so I gathered all of his records and took them up to the Huntsman Cancer Institute. That same day the oncologist we already have talked to us and told us he would be happy to work with us on getting second opinions if we would like to do that. I told him we had already taken the records in. When I told him who the doctor there was, he told us that they were friends and that he would give him a call. I had mixed feelings about this because I wanted an "untainted" opinion - meaning, I didn't want our doctor to put his negative spin on things before the other doctor even had a chance to look, but at the same time, I thought "knowing" someone might get his file looked at quicker. Well it turned out to be good all around. The office at Huntsman called us back two days later. They said they agreed with the treatments we were doing and wouldn't do anything differently. They also said that they didn't have any trials or anything further they would recommend. That was sort of disappointing, given the odds we had, but at least reassuring that that we were doing all that could be done. The next day our regular oncologist called Jeff and said that he had talked to the Huntsman doctor and during that conversation determined that a bone scan was in order. (So then I felt like we got the best of both worlds, an unbiased opinion, and some collaboration.) He did the bone scan on a Monday and we met with the doctor on Tuesday at the regular chemo appointment. He told us that the bone scan showed that the cancer had not spread and it was only in the part of the pelvic bone that we already knew about. That was good news. He also talked with us in the most positive way that he has ever talked in a whole year. He said that Jeff's cancer type is closest to, and behaves like, a lung cancer. And if we take what we know about lung cancer, we can extrapolate that information and apply it to this cancer then this is what we know. If lung cancer is in one generalized location, hasn't spread, and can be radiated - and chemo can be done along with the radiation, then we know that there is a 20-30% chance for a cure! Did he just say what I think he said? There is hope, real (medical) hope. I already had hope (complete faith and trust in my Heavenly Father), but additional hope is always good too! So here are the numbers as I calculate them (and I am really good at math) 25% based on statitics + bonus 25% because he is young and doesn't smoke and drink + 50% from eating like a rabbit + 80% from thoughts, prayers and fasting +100% faith in my Heavenly Father =280% chance of being here for me to annoy for another 40 or 50 years. Yay for statistics!! So that is where we are today. We have had some of the most amazing tender mercies in our lives already. We have had friends call, stop by, share information, write letters, pray, fast, go to lunch, take the kids on outings. We also have a friend who is planning a fund raiser that we hope will just turn in to a big party where we can get together and celebrate friendship and life. We are planning lots of trips, and making memories and sharing stories of our childhoods, and our life together with our kids. I won't tell you that it has been a fun experience, but it has been a growing and learning experience that has helped us focus on and appreciate more what is most important in our lives. We are getting many opportunities to talk about faith and the gospel and eternal families and the love Heavenly Father has for all of his children. He knows each one of us personally and he knows our hearts and he knows what we need to create the best in each of us. My friend on Facebook posted a quote that I liked so much I added it to the notes on my phone.

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you can't see the whole staircase!"

Much love and thanks to you all (let the funny now resume!)