Friday, July 12, 2013

Brain...just shhhhh

I posted this status update today:

I was going to pull weeds in my yard. It was raining. And I was kind of doing it "because". Because it was cool outside, because the rain would make it easier. Because my yard was more WILD than LANDSCAPED.

However, the jellyfish was not related.  It just popped into my head.  I was like, why. Why are jellyfish a thing? And then Why. Why would I think of jellyfish and why they are a thing?

Because I was weeding soon after this I had a pretty large chunk of time where I really had nothing to do but think.  There is a reason I don't do this very often.  I thought - when the world was created were there "committees" that worked on certain projects, you know, like church.  And so we get the serious animals...the horse, the cow, chickens, fish, birds.  Then someone in the sea life department sneezed and the girls were like, gross, and the boys were like, cool - let's make it a thing. And then the sea life department just took a giant leap off the crazy cliff because have you seen what lives in the water.  There is some weird stuff.

Then I wondered how language developed. Because.

How did people first decide that a certain string of sounds together would represent certain objects or ideas?      How do new words evolve?  How did some words make the cut? What words never became words. I wonder about the group of scientists sitting in a room developing a special salve that can heal skin disorders and someone says "Let's call it ointment." And was that guy really popular so people went along with it, because that is a terrible word.  Who baked a delicious pastry and said "That is so moist" and why didn't anyone say "That doesn't sound good, find a new word." Or did they, but it was so funny that when they retold the story of what a loser the first guy who said moist was eventually the word stopped sounding strange to some people and eventually it just became what we call soft squishy cake?

Then I went back to animals and the people who name them. And I wondered about the Aardvark. Why does he need two A's.  One of them is silent.  Is that really necessary?  And then I thought about Possums.  And Opossums.  What is up with that?

And who decides how a certain string of letters should sound. Why is capacity "ku paa sit ee" instead of the way I said it in my head for 20 years "cap uh city"

And this whole time my title for this post has been bugging me because that just doesn't look like how brain should be spelled...I disagree with you, language makers. Brane. Because.

The choice for me. Drug-free...

** Post shower update:
1. Why can words that are so unrelated be so similar, for example, testicle and tentacle
2. Do we Bear our testimony or do we Bare it?
3. Are there some words you picture as images when you say them, and some words you picture as printed words.  Of the printed words do you picture them that way because they are "concept" words or do you do it because you are "really smart" or do you do it because you are "crazy"

Monday, November 5, 2012

Lemon is my Meth

The other night I went into the kitchen to make some dinner (READ: Get myself a bowl of cereal at 8:30 p.m.)

When I walked to the counter I saw this!!

I completely lose my ... mind!!

I am stalking through the kitchen screaming things like "Which one of you little ingrates I gave birth to dared to touch my gourmet lemon pie filling?!?!"

Back story: About 4 months ago I had a completely irrational craving for all things lemon, but mostly for lemon pie filling.  I could not find a can of pie filling at any store anywhere.

Cheap normal pie filling I was looking for
Finally, in desperation I found some gourmet pie filling, in a JAR!  (I know, that is the good stuff!)

Not the actual brand, but I'm to lazy to upload a picture, and this looks just as delicious!

By the time I got the highly sought after jar home, the craving had long since passed and will likely never return, but I now have to keep this gourmet pie filling in stock JUST IN CASE!

But now it appears that SOMEONE has dared to open my pie filling and THERE WILL BE BLOODSHED!

I rush to the pantry to verify these disturbing findings and there is my JAR of pie filling ... untouched!! WHAT!?!  I don't even know what is going on anymore. The evidence is right here!

Then I remembered...someone opened a new jar of mayonnaise the night before to make fry sauce (to go with the healthy dinner Gage (8) made of corn dogs and fries.)

There is a good chance I will never eat lemon pie filling...or mayonnaise again.

And I have won the BEST MOM EVER award too many times to even count anymore.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

My Own Inception Moment

The History Channel is one of the few channels I have. I am watching a fascinating documentary on Area 51.
Okay, really, it is just someone's conspiracy theory that had enough financial backing to make into a documentary. It has caused me to ponder the following:
If we mastered time travel and went back in time and changed history, would we know or would that just be our history?
Would the current history still exist in our memories, or would this new history just be the history we lived? And if we weren't able to remember the first history, how would we know if this HAD already happened?
What if the life we are now living is just an experiment that someone is conducting to see what different tweaks in history do to change society?
What if deja vu is really just a moment when a previous history is so similar to the new history that we remember living the old history?
What if sometimes the experimenter is in a weird mood and just wants to mess with us so they just throw something random out there for their own entertainment?
What if they laugh when people get really heated over things like politics or what "Cindy Jones Anderson" posted on Facebook today?
How do you think you would go about getting a job as a scientist at the time travel division of area 51?
Who would like to begin a fund to pay for me to have more TV?
After I posted this I went to my mail box. All of the mail there was for my sister, and it used her maiden name. She has been married nine years. This house didn't even exist nine years ago...or did it?

UPDATED X2: The comments section of this post freak me out more than just a little...

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Conversation Between Autocorrect and My Brain

**Disclaimer** I know that texting and driving is wrong, wrong, wrong.  It is a bad habit and I am trying to stop.

If someone texts me while I am driving, I pretty much always have to at least read it - unless it is dark, stormy, in tight construction or other various reasons that make me nervous when I drive.  If it is something I can respond to in one or two words -- I will. **insert judging here**
 As I was driving to St. George I was doing a little texting back and forth with someone and they kept being funny, which of course meant I had to be funny back.  After a few back and forth texts, I thought I should remind them that I was actually in the driver's seat and maybe we should save this awesome volley of ridiculousness for another time.
My Text (with Autocorrect helping): p.s. I'm stunning
My Inner Voice: No, driving...
Autocorrect: I'm drinking
Inner Voice: Closer, DRIVING
Autocorrect: I'm Stunning
Inner Voice: Fine. I am sure I would be stunning when I'm drinking if I was a drinker...

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

I Get By With Help From My Friends

I completely intended to do a "what is happening in our lives" post so that you wouldn't think it was all ridiculous all the time around here.  But then today the mail came and I got the most KickButt late birthday present ever from one of my most besties of all time, Angie, and I just knew I had to share the craziness.

Let us begin:
Contrary to popular belief, I do still obey the Word of Wisdom and I have not YET been driven to drink - I know, I joke about it a lot.  However, when I do get to the point of driven to drink these will come in very handy:

Capri Sun style alcoholic beverages!

 Until I actually do get driven to drink, there is this little gem.

 I know you should be able to click and enlarge, but let me help you out.
7 Helpful occasions to chew this gum
1.  When you suddenly need to change your mood
2.  When somebody yell at you and you don't want to listen
3.  If you are lack of attitude
4.  When you need to refuse
5.  When you want to be picky
6. When you want to be selfish
7.  When you definitely want to say "kiss my ___" 
*chew more than one if you need extra attitude

I only edited number 7 (although, if you are letting kids read my blog you are a worse parent than me!)  The rest of the awesome wording is all credit to the producer of this great product.

Next up:

Okay, this is the nice picture.  You can just imagine what the other side looks like - well it isn't as bad as you imagine, but it is still not right.
I can't even say that this one is crazy or ridiculous or weird because I have totally wanted one of these for SOOOO very long!!  And it is as completely awesome as I hoped it would be.  I will never lose my headset again.  I am trying to think of a reason to go to Walmart just to use it in public.  Although, my sister did point out that she wondered what people passing by in cars must think of it!! It makes me so happy I could....squirt water!!

In fact, I love this so much that I am going to share a completely awful picture of me that Courtney snapped while I was driving around the neighborhood.  Keep in mind that I didn't get dressed until 3:30, I am not wearing makeup, that shirt is very unflattering, and I have no explanation for how awesome my teeth look.

Thanks, Ang!  You made my day!  Maybe my week, and my month too, we shall have to see!!

Friday, September 14, 2012

My **cough** 20 Year High School Class Reunion

My high school reunion is coming up and I really feel like I need to recreate this scene with one of my besties and probably Travis at the reunion. (However, my friends are lame and are refusing to join me - their loss.)
Of course, I just don't have a prom dress on hand so this necessitated a trip to Savers!  Let the good times roll.  The Savers nearest me is really quite new and they are still just getting in a good inventory.  They only had about 20 "evening gowns". (Although, Courtney started in the lingerie section. Yikes.)

So I started looking for just the perfect dress among the meager selection. It was like DESTINY.  I found the perfect dress for me.  (I mean, what are the odds - contrary to popular belief - my waist size has changed just a bit from High School...)  And I actually found TWO that I thought would fit.  So we headed off to the dressing room.

The first one was cute, but just not quite what I wanted. (I shared a crappy picture on Facebook, but I am too lazy to upload it here)

The next was like FATE brought us together.  It fit me like a glove...or it would have if I was blessed with boobs! (Can I say that word on my blog?) But like, everywhere else, it totally fit.  I knew I must get it! And it was HALF PRICE.  Honestly, could this story get better?

As soon as we got to the car Courtney started planning how to do my hair.  So at 7:00 at night, we started the arduous task of making my already princess-like hair even more princessy.  And as I was sitting there getting even more beautiful by the minute I thought "Umm, I need a tiara. Where could I get a tiara?"  Immediately I thought of my awesome neighbor, Alicia.  I just knew she would totally have a tiara.  And she DID!  She brought it right over.  (Seriously, who has neighbors so awesome that they don't even question you when you ask for a tiara and they come to your house at 8 at night and your daughter is making you some princess hair!!)

Soon my hair was finished and I headed into makeup.  Those who know me well know that I wear either no makeup or very little makeup.  And here I was practically doing caked on stage makeup at 8:00 at night.

Then came the Pièce de résistance (yeah, I googled it) - my beautiful dress.  Perfect...well almost.  Again, I have no boobs...I was trying to wear it without a bra (spoiler alert, it is strapless), therefore my fake boobs wouldn't stay in (sorry, that is a story for another post). So then I just started grabbing everything from my pajama drawer and stuffing it in there.  I may have had two t-shirts and a pair of flannel pants in there.

Courtney said "No, we need to see your cleavage!"  (Uh, DCFS should stop reading ... a few minutes ago.)  I got out a really old bra, and put it on the tightest setting.  But again, the dress was strapless so I had to have Courtney cut the straps off.  Did you know that you get the most support from the did I but by this time I was in a full mental case craze. Now, I need more support that doesn't show.  I had Courtney go get the double stick tape.  She came back with the clear packing tape.  Close enough.  "Okay, I am going to hold my cleavage where I want it, and you put the tape on - making sure it is on the bra and my skin to hold it in place..." (I can not believe I am sharing this...)  The tape completely DID NOT WORK.  So I said, "I will hold the dress with my arms just right and that will hold the dress where it needs to be. Now you take pictures and do not get any of the mess that is my bedroom or this house in any of the pictures."

I feel it fair to note that I have not been in a swimsuit in over a year, so those rocking awesome tan lines are just something we princesses always posses.

If you have made it this far, I won't keep you in suspense any longer...

The Average Day in the Life of a Princess

We dust our precious Lladro Figurines. We wash the fine china. (There may be tape showing...) 
We practice our musical gifts. We keep the grounds.

And a special shout out to all my ""friends"" - Thanks for the heads up on the fact that I totally have 

Someday I will share with you the outtakes of this awesome shoot, but really this feels like enough for now.  I will leave you with this - how I normally look. (Kinda - less make up, less curls)  I am totally keeping the tiara though because how can you think housework is drudgery when you are cleaning in a tiara?

**As always  - there will be a PayPal account set up for a therapy fund for my kids for when, not if, they need it!

Monday, August 13, 2012

Why I adore the Dollar Store (probably nsfw)

I have been in just a crazy bad mood lately.  My apologies to anyone who had to be in my presence. (No, really, I am sorry.) I am looking into taking a trip to Mexico to get some Prozac or something.  In the mean time, there is the Dollar Store!!

My girls needed some stuff for Girls Camp this week and we thought that we could get what we needed for the best price, and quickly.  Man, isn't it amazing how you don't even know you need something until you see it, and then you don't know how you ever lived without it.

Let's begin, shall we?!?!

This is pretty basic.  But it actually is the same active ingredient as Unisom (which is basically a double dose of Benedryl).  I don't recommend it unless you can be hung over the next day, but it will get the job done.  I am just thrilled that it can be purchased at the Dollar Store.  This will be the back up that I keep in my travel pack. Just so you know if you need a dealer.


What the crud?  I have been doing Zumba for a couple of hours a week for a month, and all I needed to bring sexy back was some shoe straps?  DOH!  Let's see if they work.
Wow! That actually is more sexy!  No more Zumba for me!

What else can we find that we can't live without?
I am sure these are so much more effective than just baby wipes.  In fact, I am so sure of this that I am keeping these in my purse and passing them out at the park because if specially balanced alcohol free wipes are good for my hooha, how much better must they be for small children's hands and faces.  I am sure this will make me the most popular mom at the park.

And while we are discussing hoohas - THIS:

Who knew there was a cure for Vagi(s).
Just a public service announcement.  If your clothes are making you "itchy" get some new clothes.
Also, this is for external use are welcome.

Moving on...please

I have to give credit where credit is due, and this little gem was brought to me by Courtney.

I wish I wasn't too lazy to upload this for you with it a little less blurry, but I am just that lazy.  Sorry.

Courtney may or may not have called these *titty calmers*.  She did.  I told her that is not a very nice word.

I am sure you want to know if these work.  Let's see, shall we.
Not too bad.  Although, Gage did say that they are not "easier to remove".  In fact, I think his exact words were "owie, owie, owie."  Also, this clever kid found an alternate use.
Shoot, I forgot to rotate it.  Here is that lazy thing again.
I am setting up a PayPal link for this kid's therapy account as we speak (or as you read).

This next little number may have changed my life forever:

Yes!! You can test your kids for marijuana for only ONE DOLLAR!!!! I may have exceeded my allotted number of exclamation points for the day.
Seriously, how much fun would this be?  Let's see, right?!?

That is Courtney's actual pee.  That is on my carpet.  I may or may not be screaming and gagging and dry heaving.

She is, however, "clean" ... for now.

Friday, July 20, 2012

The Mormon Mommy Mafia

This was the first summer that none of my kids were on year round school. I knew that if we were going to have three full months together that we better have lots of activities planned.

I started a Facebook page to coordinate with our friends and neighbors, kind of so they could give me ideas and kind of so that we could hang out with others because who wants to spend all simmer with their siblings.

One of our activities was to drive up the canyon to one of my friend's family cabin. There we could hike, picnic, chat and play. We wanted to make sure no one got lost on the way so we met at the mouth of the canyon. As we pulled out of the parking lot together I was thinking that it must have looked like we were on security detail for someone important. (See crappy picture below, darn mobile blogger.) To live in my neighborhood I guess you have to drive a light color suburban. So we chatted, played, ate and grudgingly hiked (only me grudgingly). Love my neighborhood!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

General Conference

Gage has between mad at me since October because we didn't watch General Conference.
Before you start thinking I am raising angels, you should know he was mad because not watching conference meant that we didn't have our conference store.
For a few years now I have had the kids keep tally sheets of words they hear during conference. Then they get to choose prizes from the store based on the number of tally marks.
I start them with 10-15 really obvious words and they can add as many (gospel related) words as they would like. (Yes, they have tried adding words like ”the”.)
As they are getting older they are starting to recognize that each talk has a theme and if they find that word early they rack up the points. ”Man, mom. He sure says Temples a lot.” ”Really, sweetie? Isn't that curious?”
I buy prizes in advance, mostly from the dollar store. I have noticed over the years that snack foods and novelty drinks and toys sell for a lot more than yoyos and bubbles.
I have added in older and child specific things like nail polish, too.
I have wondered how long I could motivate them to watch with this little game, but this April we were fortunate to have my cousin with us. She is 26 and was so excited to play along that she even took her tally page when she went to watch one session with a friend! Score! Well worth my $20 investment!

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Christmas in Mexico

I don't know if it is a secret but for more years than I can remember Christmas has not been my favorite time of year.
The rushing around spending money we don't have to buy gifts for people who don't need/want/appreciate them. Then a week off from work and school sitting around in the house with bad weather worsened by the inversion until you finally scream ”Who the crap cares if families are forever, I hate you people.” (I mean, in theory, not practice.)
This year I was dreading it even more because I am missing that special someone who can take the brunt of my misplaced holiday angst and still be willing to be my friend on January 2 when the kids go back to school.
So I decided to go with my most often used coping mechanism, avoidance.
On December 23 at 6 pm I called the kids in and told them we were starting a new tradition of opening a present early.
I made up a certificate that said ”Pack your bags, we leave for Mexico at 7am!”
They were shocked. I totally rocked the surprise thing!
We got to the airport on time and through check in and security with no problems. But then they discovered our scheduled plane had a faulty potty and we would need a new plane. Yay for spending all of Christmas eve morning in the airport!
Four hours later we finally boarded our (direct) flight to Mexico. TV was free until we hit the border, so that was awesome.
Our resort was booked through a vacation brand name, so we had a well organized van system waiting for us. While we were waiting to load in the van, Courtney got her first ever bloody nose. I guess she is a desert girl and her body can't take the humidity.
By evening we had gone to the beach and played in the ocean and promptly decided that none of us really like the sticky icky feeling you get from the ocean. Lucky for us there were four nice pools to choose from.
In our cute little room (that ended up having three singles and a king bed-yay) we read the Christmas story from the scriptures on our smart phones.
Santa found us. He only had room for stockings since we were in a different place on his route, but he wisely brought water toys, floating mats and flip flops.
Being in a tropical location I expected lots of great fruits and such to eat. Not so much. The food at the resort was not exactly fantastic. We pretty much lived on french fries and pasta with alfredo sauce (not that my kids saw anything wrong with that.)
They also grabbed their piña colada and strawberry daiquiris two at a time so they wouldn't have to leave the pool as often.
We decided to venture into the tourist shopping area for a change of scenery. I made sure we all got off the bus at the same time. Then we took off across the street to the flea market. I was across four lanes of traffic before I realized that Gage wasn't with us and I couldn't see him. I left the other three and ran back over. He was still standing by the bus, on the verge of tears. I was pretty freaked. I know about ten words in spanish and none of them are ”my little boy has been kidnapped!”
The girls really wanted to get hair braids so I haggled a good price and left them at one shop to do that while the boys and I wandered around to do their souvenir shopping. After about half an hour I decided to go check on the girls. But I counted my money and I was short. I hadn't set aside enough for the braids, plus I needed bus fare.
While the boys and I had been shopping I meet a vendor who was so excited we were from SLC, Utah because he ”loves the Mormon's.” His wife was Mormon and they had the missionaries over all the time. So I went back to him and asked him where I could find an ATM. He directed me across the street to the actual mall.
I went to where he told me and with great relief swiped my card. Nothing. Again. Nothing. I didn't dare do it a third time, fearing it would deactivate my card. As I wandered around the mall in a state of near panic, Courtney started texting me because they were almost done. I was weighing options like leaving the girls there, taking the boys back to the resort and leaving them. Then bringing money back for the girls. That was probably 40+ minutes round trip and I didn't like that option on either end.
I was seriously about to have a heart attack. Then I saw the (normally) dreaded time share sales booth. I picked a woman, hoping for a little empathy and hoping to not be taken advantage of or robbed, maimed, etc.
She talked to me for almost 20 minutes even though I explained what my (seemingly urgent) problem was, she still needed to try to make the sale. Finally she walked me over to a different ATM and stayed to translate for me. Then she asked me how much I was paying for the braids. She explained that with the denomination of bills I got that the shop would rip me off, so she walked me back to the booth and made change.
She also made me promise to come back and sign up for the presentation after I rescued the girls. I promised. I lied.
(This is turning into a novel. Next time I will blog while I am there so you get it day by day.)
Most of the trip was uneventful. But one day Gage made a friend. They meet at the beach and ran into each other again at the pool. Gage asked me if he could go with this kid to play ds in his hotel room. I said no, but agreed to go to our room and get his ds and meet the kid back at the shaded pool. I left most of my stuff at the party pool where we normally hung out to save my seat. We got his ds and went to the shaded pool. I got him settled at a table and decided to go and get our stuff from the other pool. When I came back, literally five minutes or less later, he was gone. I checked all of the normal places. Then I checked some places we didn't frequent. Then (30 minutes later) I decided to check the room. He wasn't there, but all the other kids were there watching cartoons and eating fries (really, I bring you to Mexico to watch TV?).
I completely lost it then and screamed at them to all go look and meet at the bar in the lobby every five minutes with a report.
After they all left I sat in the room shaking and wondering who the heck takes four little kids to Mexico...alone...without knowing the language...alone...alone. Was I brain damaged? Do I call security? I didn't even know the other boy's name or room number. I didn't know if Gage was with him. Honestly, how stupid was I? Would security do a room by room search of 800 rooms? No one in the history of the planet had ever been as stupid as me at that moment!
Then I decided to pray, then I decided that was stupid and very ”The Friend” (church magazine) of me. Then I decided I didn't care if I was very cliche and primary children-esque I had to find him. So I said a quick prayer and headed down to the lobby bar.
You see, one of the beauties of all inclusive resorts is that the same people are there most of the duration of your trip. One beauty of my kids is they make friends everywhere. So once I sent my kids out to look, they only had to ask a few of their ”friends” and they found Gage in about three minutes in the teen center playing video games!
That kid was so freaking grounded. He never left my sight after that! And there was a prayer of thanks offered. I will never think it is too ”Friend”-ish to pray in the moment again!
Honestly, a few key memorable incidences aside, it was fabulous. Given our unchangeable circumstances, it was the best Christmas I ever could have imagined. I often play in my head what Christmas would have been like had we stayed home (based in fact knowing the weather and options for fun things available to do at home), and I would not have done anything differently. (Except not lose my kid and keep more money in my pocket.)
I would go again every Christmas if I could afford it! (Hint: I am accepting Christmas Trip grants!)
P.S. Do not tell your kids what the ”Don't flush toilet paper sign” is about. For the love...

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Christmas with Daddy

I posted this on my Facebook, but I am going to post it here too for anyone who might follow my blog but might not follow the freak show that is my Facebook page.
I got a great idea from a widowed friend to do for Christmas. We took a special little tree up to Jeff and Stephen's grave site. All of us who went wrote our name and the year on an ornament. Then we tied them very tightly to the tree (let's hope they survive the elements!)
If you feel so inclined to visit Jeff this Christmas season, we would love to have you share in our special memories. In the second vase we left behind some bows and some sharpie markers. Please take one and put your name and the year, and if you choose, a message on the ornament and attach it to the tree. (Or feel free to bring an ornament of your choosing with your name and date). Make sure they are attached really well. Then we will go back on New Year's Day to bring the tree home. Next year we will include your memory ornaments on our family tree for Christmas!
Of course, no visit is complete without a balloon release. (Yes I keep a tank on hand!)
And Courtney cleaning the sand from the stone. (Okay, I thought she was kissing it at first too, but she wasn't)
Thanks for all your love and support over the last two years. We wouldn't be as well adjusted as we are without you all (not that that is saying a lot!) ;)

Sunday, November 27, 2011


So, we have a tradition in our family for Thanksgiving: We only eat tan things, except for the celery with Cheez Whiz. That is all. Our only tradition.
Becca and I had had all of that (being our only) tradition we could stand so we resolved to do active things this Thanksgiving.
This was our year to celebrate the holiday in St. George, which was fortunate, because the weather there is so much more lovely.
After our excessively carby meal we took the kids to hike the red hills of St George.
(the pictures should be here, but they will be at the bottom until I get to a real computer.)
I think it was later that night (good heck, I'm typing this in July, do you really expect me to remember) we went bowling, which was super misguided because pretty much the whole world went bowling.