The Day That Will Be Known As Crap

So - the big scans! Did it all work? We spent the whole day at the hospital while Jeff drank crap and was injected with more crap for all the scans ordered. He felt like such crap he could barely sit up (you would think that would have been some sort of sign for me - the fact that he seemed to be getting worse not better - but my denial-o-meter must have been working overtime). I tried to get him some healthy "on plan" food, but the hospital cafeteria had nothing but crap. So he ate chicken tortilla soup. I think that was the second time he had animal products in two months. He thought it was delicious! After we got home from the scans, I found we were completely out of food so I grabbed Courtney and ran to Harmon's. (If only I knew it would be the last time I ever bought asparagus!) While we were gone a wonderful friend brought Jeff the news of the scans (we are so grateful for him. Jeff's doctor wouldn't see until eight days after the scans - because it takes that long to get results, talking about being full of crap!) Crap - why wasn't I home. But in hindsight again (don't you love how I use hindsight, but post these on the days they happened) it was a blessing because if I hadn't taken Courtney shopping she would have been sitting in the living room when the news was delivered. It was better for Jeff to be able to ask all his questions and to be able to digest the news before having to share it with the kids. I got home from shopping and I could see it on his tear stained face. I just went and sat on his chaise lounge with him. He gave me a big hug and said "I am so sorry - you tried so hard" As if he hadn't tried, or as if he had failed me in some way. (Crap, big freaking jerk! - Now I am bawling again.) After sitting and hugging and crying for a few minutes we realized that Courtney was sitting in the room and watching us. So he told her, which brought another round of crying. Then he called his family, and they all gathered (more crying). When we had all said what we could say, and cried what we could cry, we asked the only logical question. What is for dinner!?! Pizza. Vegan-hood (it is a word people) had failed us. We were going with comfort food. I told him to only eat a little, but he seemed to tolerate it well, with no ill side effects. What an amazing adaptable body he had. If it wasn't for that one tiny cell that decided to take over the universe- crap! I always hated doing his medical history. It was always no, no, no, no, no...yes(crap), no, no, no... The complete results weren't in, but what we did know was crappy. The cancer had spread to his liver, pancreas, and lungs. We did know that the fighting was over, and the only hope was a miracle intervention from our Heavenly Father. (crap - said with all reverence) While I trust in His perfect plan, I hated giving up what felt like the only kind of control we had over this situation. Not that it was really any kind of control in the first place, but it felt like something, and now nothing - crap!