Bucket Lists

When Jeff was diagnosed again in January and we sat the kids down to tell them (my goodness we have had some *good* times - I don't know the emoticon for sarcasm, so I will use * when it is completely dripping) he asked them to make lists of things they would like to go do as a family. He told them he couldn't promise to get to them all done, but it would give us a jumping off point. Well, only the boys ever "submitted" their lists. I don't know if the girls wrote one and didn't give it to us, or if they recognized how much we had done as a family and couldn't really think of anything to add. The boys had theirs turned in that night. Gage put "The Grand Canyon" and "Yellowstone" (I think because those were things Jeff gave as examples). Jake wrote a letter to "Mr. and Mrs. Anderson, also mom and dad" He said "I want everyone to live a long long time, and I want a cell phone" (Nice try mister) Then he turned in his list that said something (if I loved you I would pull it out right now and read it again, but, well, you know) and a trip to Vegas. We thought that was weird, but doable. We actually talked about doing it a couple of different weekends during treatment, but Jeff just didn't feel that well so we kept putting it off waiting for him to feel better. When we got the news of the scans on Monday he said he didn't care what happened, we were going that weekend. He was feeling so terrible but if he was going to put on the brave face, so would I. The day after the scans he told me that he felt like he was holding lots of fluid in his stomach and he had gained 10-15 pounds over the last week. I was shocked so I called his doctor (who I already knew would not have looked at the scans yet) to ask for help. His office couldn't get us in that day, so I asked if I could even talk to him on the phone. They said he really didn't have time. I explained the whole situation begging for help. They said "No" there was no way to get help that day, but that the doctor would see us in his downtown office the next morning at 8:00. (again with the waiting - and the driving downtown, and the leaving before the kids were even up for school.) I was very frustrated (no really VERY frustrated) at this point and things got a little inappropriate. I asked "Are there any doctors there who aren't assholes who may be willing to talk to me?" Without missing a beat the poor girl on the phone said "No". I asked to leave a message and she said the doctors didn't have voice mail, but that she would pass on a message. Well, I unloaded 8 months of frustration and anger and ended with something really appropriate like "Tell him to go enjoy his night with his family, while we spend the night contemplating the fact that the dad of our family is dying and no one cares!" I figured my message would be edited in to something nice like "patient's wife is very distraught, please call if you can." (Maybe she didn't edit, because) He actually called me back that afternoon about 4:30 (and explained at least three time how awesome he was for doing so, and how much time he was giving me that I wouldn't have gotten in the clinic - and I believed him because he didn't take even one other phone call during our 20 minute conversation.) I told him about Jeff feeling like he was filling with fluid and that he had already gained over ten pounds in a week. He very wisely told me that that couldn't be the case because the scans didn't show it. But that it was probably the tumors in his lungs or blood clots in his lungs that were making him uncomfortable (wow - thanks for calling, you are helping my anxiety level so much!) He said that there was really nothing they could do until he built up enough fluid that there was enough for them to go in and drain it. He ended by telling me that it would really be better if we went on hospice. They were better suited to deal with our needs and they had people on call 24 hours a day. It was like a kick in the gut and a relief at the same time. A kick in the gut because I wasn't ready to give up, in fact we were redoubling our efforts on Vitamin C and such. But it was a relief to know that I could have a liaison and NEVER have to talk to him again. (side note - he sent a *nice* sympathy card - a**h***) So, while I was so very angry that hospice was the choice we had to go with to feel like we were getting any help I was grateful for the help. They turned out to be MOSTLY nice and very easy to work with. And it really was a blessing to get signed up with them when we did (Wednesday of that week), because they were able to hook us up with all the equipment and supplies (oxygen and morphine) I felt we we needed to make ME as comfortable as possible about making this Bucket List trip to Vegas.