Faith, Family, Friends

While we were making our trip to and from Vegas, Jeff's brother (who is the only sibling that doesn't live within 10 miles of his parents), was making the drive to visit from Ohio, with his wife and five kids. That is love and dedication to family. Jeff had called him and asked him to come for a visit - and through much work and finagling on their part, they were able to be out here within a week!

As soon as the kids woke up and found out their cousins were at grandma and grandpa's house, we rarely saw them the rest of the week. On Monday, we had some time in the afternoon that was just the two of us. Jeff was kneeling beside his chaise lounge with his head resting on his arms on the seat (think praying position) because it was the most comfortable position for him, it took the pressure off his lungs a little. He looked over at me sitting across the room and said "We should rent a cabin or condo for the weekend." (He believed he had 6-8 weeks left - I still believed the miracle would be years left.) I could only think, "For the love, are you trying to kill ME off!" But I just said, "Why don't we hang out and visit with your family and friends and see about doing that next week."

I was humbled and amazed by how many people we had stop by that week. I always have good intentions, but they are paving my way to Hell because I never follow through. These family and friends took the time to drive ALL the way out to the boonies where we live to visit him. I hope in the future when I have a little thought to visit a friend or make a call that I am better about doing it. What a gift for us and them! It was really fun to reminisce, and tell stories, and laugh and cry with all of them. I don't think anyone got a to leave without Jeff telling them he loved them and to get their lives in line with the priorities that really matter. Jeff has always said, for as long as I have known him, that relationships are the only thing we can take with us. He was adamant that week that everyone know that and recognize that in their own lives. He was very serious. I don't even really remember any smiles or laughing that week from him. He really wanted people to understand his message and to take it to heart.

I am finding that I don't have a lot to say about this week (shocking, I know), but part way through the week someone had a brilliant idea to start taking pictures of people as they came to visit. (I think it was Jeff's idea - I only ended up with a few, but I will leave you with some of those as compensation for not having anything to write now.)

I don't know what the flexing is all about, but I like it, and I love how everyone just pulled up chairs or a spot on the floor, just to be near him.

This is one of my favorite pictures (and I should crop it to emphasize why I love it) but when I saw Jeff and his dad holding hands, a piece of my heart melted (while another piece broke). So sweet. They have the greatest relationship!

Honestly, no makeup or hair fixing for either of us this week. (But Jeff did put a shirt on, just for pictures this night! )

It was very important for Jeff that he take individual pictures with each kid. That is something I don't have, and he felt bad about that for me. I don't know if these pictures will ever be used for anything but my blog (because they are kind of sad) but they are precious. With Courtney, such a beautiful girl, inside and out. She was such an amazing helper. She watched everything I did and worked to help with his special diet and any other needs she could help him with.

Miss Brooke, with her mischievous personality and teasing nature! (I wonder where that comes from!) Jake. He told his dad he would be "the man of the house". I'm not sure what he thought that meant, because I have always been "the boss" of the house!

Danger. (Although some of you know him as Gage.) The baby - and still treated and acts like the baby. Jeff recorded a cute video on Brooke's phone about why we call him Danger (it was completely inaccurate, but cute)

Jeff with all the kids. They really are doing great. I know a lot of you don't believe me, or think I am just saying all the things I think people want to hear, but if there is one skill that Jeff and I were good at, and taught our kids, it was coping. We are both fairly laid back and easy going (don't bring up my interactions with Comcast), and we were always real and honest with them about what was going on. This allowed them to ask questions and talk and cry with us. I see that as a gift to them. (Although, when Jake heard that I was looking at the grief counseling center for kids, his ears perked up and he asked when we could go to counseling. We are going, but I think he just likes the attention.)The whole family. We are pretty cute!

Jeff and his mama, Sally.Jeff with all his living siblings (I don't remember if I posted in an earlier post about his baby brother Stephen who passed away 36 years ago at the age of 2 months.) Sally said to me (and I hope she is okay with me sharing) "When people ask me how many kids I have, I have always said six because it is hard to explain, but now I will always say seven!" (How do you people read this stuff - I cry like a two year old just writing it!)Jeff and his brothers. James on the left, Josh (from Ohio) standing, Jeremy on the right.

The rest of these pictures are in no particular order, just the way they uploaded.

One of Jeff's best and longest standing friends Ramon, and his sister Elaina (I think I botched the spelling - sorry) And yes, Ramon always looks that puzzled!

Jeff with the scariest man I know, Mike. A business partner who becomes your brother (really, check his facebook). That was Jeff's gift, and this was/is a very special relationship.

Clay and Tyler. Again, some of Jeff's longest standing friends. These guys came by a lot, and did a ton to help out on the fundraiser, too. Thank you!

Evan - I think he is one of the Sand Dunes friends - but that could just be how I met him. I will have to ask Evan one day if that is how he met Jeff, or if there is a back story I don't know! (I told him I knew someone who could photoshop the mess in my kitchen right out of this picture!)

Jon, business associate who became a friend! We had some wonderful dinners out with he and his wife. He also was so good about stopping by and checking on Jeff during the past few months. He was on his way to Hawaii the day after this (the day Jeff passed away). I hope he had a wonderful time and made some memories of his own to cherish. That is what Jeff would have wanted.

Doug and Ben - business associates who were great friends to Jeff.

Hey, Ramon got in here twice, this is his wife Tammy. She went to high school with Jeff, too. But we have been friends with them since Jeff and I got married. In fact, we are such great friends we had our first children with a week of each other! They are also the couple we took most of our great trips to Mexico with!

Nick (and Jeremy again). Nick is such an awesome friend. And if my camera viewfinder wasn't a little off from the picture I actually end up getting, I would have shared with you the picture of Nick groping Jeff. (I probably should because Jeff is looking down in it, but it is a very good smile!)

There were so many more of you, and I am sorry I didn't get more pictures. If the group that was here visiting was more than 6-8 my brain just shut down and I didn't remember to take pictures. And I have no idea why I don't have one of Jeff and Gabe. Gabe was here at least 5 times that week. And for those of you who heard him speak at the funeral, that was an even more amazing tribute than you know. I could never have pictured him talking in front of a group that size, it just isn't the Gabe I know. But when I kidded him about it he looked me straight in the eye and said "For Jeff, I would do it!" And he did such a wonderful job! The stories are loved and cherished by everyone who heard him tell them. And he is such a great story teller. But we can lose the buffalo hunting one before my kids understand what that was about and decide they want to try it!

What Happens in Vegas

Will eventually be blogged, so keep your shirts on, ladies!! (I just realized that could be understood a couple of ways - I meant, don't flash your boobies because someone will take a picture and post it on the internet!)

Wheelchair, oxygen concentrator, oxygen tanks, diuretics, liver aid, anti-anxiety pills, morphine. Sounds like a good time in Vegas just waiting to happen!! We finally gathered all the supplies to make the trip to Vegas as anxiety free as it could possibly be (it wasn't really that anxiety free, but remember - brave faces!)

We got the last of the prescriptions we needed filled about 4:30 in the afternoon and hit the road. I hadn't slept well in about two weeks (okay, two months, but really really bad the whole week before the trip). We were also pulling down a trailer of things for Beau (who was moving back to St. George). That wouldn't have been so bad except the first thing blew out of the trailer before we were two miles from home and the tarps were flapping around so bad that around Orem a truck driver pulled up beside us and told Jeff that we were losing our load. So I pulled over and secured it as well as I could. I was grateful when it finally got dark because then I just kept my eyes forward and drove like mad because I couldn't see anything blow out anyway. We got the trailer dropped off in St. George and the drive through to Vegas felt very fast. Of course, I think I was the only one awake, so there may be parts I don't remember.

We got to Circus Circus and I let the family off at the main entrance, with all of our luggage and equipment. Jeff went to check us in, while I went to find parking. The kids had asked where our rooms were. I said I didn't know, but that I surely hoped they were adjoining or I wouldn't be getting any sleep the next two nights, because I felt like I needed to be able to check on everyone. I don't know if Jeff had to pull the cancer card, or if it just worked out that way, but we had adjoining rooms! I didn't feel like going anywhere, and everyone was hungry so we ordered pizza to the room.

Then I set up all the kids in one room and Jeff and I in the other and closed the doors between the two and let them watch TV as late as they wanted (hoping that they would sleep in and I could catch some sleep.)

It didn't totally work out that way, but they didn't get up at the crack of dawn either, so it was okay. We all got dressed for the day and headed out to the buffet. We wasted three times as much food as we ate, so my kids had a true buffet experience.

Then we went to the Adventure Dome, but they didn't open until ten. So I left Jeff there with the kids (Courtney is buff enough that she could push his wheelchair) to look around, while I went to see what show tickets we could get, and to get the rest of the stuff out of the car. Well, that is what I went to do, what I ended up doing was walking around the casino for some reason and I saw a sign for McDonalds. It was like a little beam of sunshine from heaven! Both Jeff and I were in desperate need for a Coke. Me - because it is like therapy, him - because he felt like it kept the mucus down (which in this case, I feel like a bit of a medical professional as I say this, I think was mostly mental. He didn't sound like he had mucus and it was probably just the tumor and fluid pressing on his lungs. However, I never judge someone else's need for Coke - just don't drink Diet, that crap will kill you!)

I went back to the Adventure Dome with the "loot". Jeff had gotten the kids set up with their all day ride passes. He was looking drained and pale (which is a weird thing to say because he probably always looked that way to others at that point, but I could tell the difference) so I sent him back to the room for a rest.

The kids had tons of fun and didn't even really notice he had left and I found a table to sit at, and drink my coke and check facebook and write snarky texts. At lunch time we went back to the buffet (we had purchased the all day pass there too!) Gage was in hog heaven. Meatballs the size of baseballs!

(I know, mad skills with the camera, stop mocking me or I will stop sharing pictures)

After lunch Jeff went back to the Adventure Dome with the kids while I tried to track down tickets for the night again. I just really didn't know what to do because I knew Jeff felt so horrible, so I wanted something he could tolerate and be most comfortable at, but I also wanted something that would keep the kids so entertained they wouldn't make me crazy. I couldn't decide on anything so I just went back to the Adventure Dome. I found Jeff and we sat together for a while, but after we hadn't seen the kids for over half and hour, and we were both sleeping in our seats, I said let's go to the room and we will text them to come back in a little while. I texted them from the elevator and realized that both girls had given me their phones to hold so they didn't fall out on the roller coaster. So much for a nap for me. I got Jeff settled in to rest and I headed back to the Adventure Dome.

I decided to make the kids go over to see the Circus acts with me on the other end of the casino. They were lame. Jeff texted me during the second one asking for cough drops. So when the show ended I started walking the kids back. The three oldest decided they were hungry. So I left them at the buffet. You heard me, I left my 12, 11, and 9 year old unattended in a casino in Vegas. (Go ahead, call child protective services!) I told them to eat and then text me if they were going to the Adventure Dome or back to the room.

Gage and I got the cough drops and took them back to Jeff. If I knew how to do videos I would share a clip of what was going on in the room. But I don't, so you get more words! The kids had won a bunch of stuffed animals. Gage got out two turtles and played Super Heros with Jeff. They each got to choose five super powers that their turtles had. It was all relatively normal until Jeff said his had the ability to "teleport". I asked Gage what that meant, and he KNEW. Oh TV what are you doing to my family??

Jeff was very insistent that we go to a show. So at 6 we all went down to the ticket counter in the lobby. I wanted a Cirque de Soliel show, but found out that we could only get the 10:30 show. (Not this mommy!!) So I asked the guy what he recommended. He said the Variety show. That sounded lame to me, but the kids thought it sounded good, so I pulled the trigger on $300 there. Then we decided to take a cab so I didn't have to worry about parking. When he got to the taxi cab stand the lady said there could only be 5 to a car, so we needed two, and then one minute later she said, I called for an SUV for you. It was amazing how people went out of their way for us (I am sure based on the way Jeff looked) but we didn't have to explain the situation to anyone.

The driver dropped us off at the door and gave me his card and said to call when we were ready to go back. When I checked in at the box office they told us to be in the general admission line an hour before the show. Then he said we could upgrade to reserved seating and just be there 10 minutes early and not have to wait in line. It is only money, right! Cha ching! But our tickets were close enough to touch the stage and came with a free drink (they didn't have virgin cocktails, grr) and a free picture!

The show was hilarious! I highly recommend it. All four kids were on the edge of their seats the entire time, laughing their little heads off. It was wonderful!! We even bought the DVD - but I haven't found it yet!

That night when we got home Jeff was really hurting and holding even more fluid so I called the nurse. She gave me some ideas to try and told me how high I could up his diuretics.

We had been debating staying another night, but I just wasn't up to it knowing that good medical attention was at least as far as St. George (not that I think St. George has any good medical attention, but because our hospice only operated in Utah). I told Jeff that I really wanted to go at least to St. George, but that we could spend the day seeing whatever the kids wanted. So he took them to the buffet while I loaded all the gear.

We checked out of the hotel and went looking for a Coach Leather Store. Jeff had given the girls and Sally gift cards two years before for Christmas, and then we found out the nearest store was in Vegas. We drove clear to the far end of Vegas to a strip mall, then found out it was an outlet store and wouldn't take the gift cards. They told us the best one was in Caesars Palace. So we headed back down the strip. We got what should have been an amazing parking spot, but then couldn't find our way to the front door. After I pushed the wheelchair the equivalent of a city block, ending with a steep up hill ramp, I was ready to pass out. So Courtney pushed while I led the family through the den of sin to the shops.

While the girls were shopping, I realized the boys didn't really get a souvenir so I took them down to the hotel gift shop to get a shirt. I thought $24 in the gift shop was not too bad. I got back upstairs to where the girls were shopping (they had $300 in gift cards - yikes). They were done. Courtney got a pair of sunglasses, Brooke got a pair of earrings. (I hope they enjoyed that experience - it will be once in a lifetime!!)

Then we drove past Pawn Stars pawn shop (and yes I know that isn't the name). The kids were kind of obsessed with it because of our pawn shop connection. They wanted to go in, but I pointed out the line in front and how tiny the shop was and said no to that request!

Then we went out to my cousin, Debbie's house. She had made me some chicken noodle soup. I didn't want to take the energy to unload Jeff, so I hope she didn't think I was rude, but I just visited for a minute and took my soup to go. It tasted so much like my grandma used to make!! (I will be making a trip back to Vegas just so she can teach me how to make it right!)

While I was visiting, Jeff got in touch with his friend who lives in Vegas. He made arrangements for us to eat a late lunch with him and another friend who was in Vegas that day, too. So we went to Macaroni Grill where he had a great time reminiscing about high school with his two friends Rob and Rich.

Then we headed out of town. Jeff's hospice nurse had called while we were out running around and had a theory that his bladder may be blocked and if they inserted a catheter to drain it he may be more comfortable. He was taking massive doses of diuretics and only peeing about an ounce every time he went to the bathroom, about six times a day. (Sorry, should have put a warning on this post) Because of the location of the original tumor, this made some sense. We stopped in Mesquite for the kids to use the bathroom and for me to get a Coke (I was tired people, cut me some slack). We talked about options and staying in the condo in St. George, but I think this is the point where we decided to just head for home so I could rest better knowing we had medical help at our beck and call. We stopped at my mom's house and all my little (younger - don't know why I always say little) siblings gathered there, too. We visited for about an hour, and decided to get back on the road (you may want to grab a tissue). As Jeff hugged each of those kids goodbye my thoughts were - He has been in each of their lives longer than any of them had their dad, and in their respective order all of them had their dad longer than my kids will have theirs. That just sucks (and yes, I still think it just sucks!!) My heart hurt for each of them so much in that moment. For them it had to be a little like losing their dad twice!! We headed for home. When we got to Cedar and I could talk again without crying, I called the hospice nurse and asked if she would be willing to meet us at home when we got there to try the catheter. I told her we would be home around midnight. She said she would be at our house at one. Again, I was amazed by the level of service! The procedure didn't work, but I wasn't totally shocked because he was still passing some urine. At least we were home and as comfortable as we both could be with that.

The BIG 3-9!

Jeff's birthday. Well - how do you celebrate what you believe will be your last birthday? Jeff continued to feel like he was swelling, and he was gaining weight -about 2 lbs a day. So I asked the hospice nurse if we could try to get it drained. She immediately scheduled us an appointment to go to the hospital and get a drain. So that was how he started his birthday.

I snapped this picture with my phone while we were waiting for them to get him ready for the procedure.

If you compare it to his last chemo day two weeks before (in a previous post) you can see a dramatic difference in the size of his tummy. (I never thought to show these to the nurse - not that it would have mattered, they weren't really giving him lots of help or options, but they did try to tell him that it was mostly mental because of tumors in his lungs)

Anyway, they came in and explained the procedure and got him all ready for it. They did caution that if they couldn't find a big enough pocket of fluid they wouldn't be able to do the procedure, but with almost 20 pounds built up, I never even thought that would be a problem (as shown by what happened next).

They came to get Jeff, I kissed him goodbye and then I left the hospital, because in addition to my roles of wife and ferocious nurse I was still the mommy, too. And Brooke had her medieval feast and opera at school, and it was important to us that one of us be there. I had arranged with Jeff's dad to pick him up and we had told him what time the procedure would be done and how long he would be in recovery.

When I called Bruce to tell him I had left he said that he was about 15 minutes out. I was glad. We tried to down play it and tell him he could come later, but I hated thinking about Jeff being brought back after the procedure and having no one there who actually cared about him. I started the 25 minute drive back home. About 10 minutes in to the drive I got a phone call. It was the hospital, there wasn't enough free floating fluid to put in a drain. It seemed that all the fluid was collecting in his tissues. Crap. I told them that his dad should be there any minute.

I went to the Feast and Opera knowing that Jeff was in good hands, and pondering what the next move could be.

Jeff and his dad continued on with some fun birthday plans and went and got a Vitamin C infusion - so fun!! And went to check out the hyperbaric chamber! (I know, you are jealous - your birthday can't even begin to measure up) He did get to have an astroburger - which he had been craving for two months though, so that was good!

The hospice nurse ordered (and delivered) lots of good diuretics to flush the fluid out of his tissues.

The day wasn't all bad. Between my sister Kim, and some of my sweet neighbors, they pulled together a little BBQ to celebrate his birthday. They came in with bags of food, laid out a beautiful meal, we all talked and visited and took pictures and told stories. He had friends stopping by throughout the night, and when it was over, the party planners quietly cleaned it all up and left without a trace. (Can I just say, the goodness of the people in my life just makes me cry! I hope they stick around when they come to find out that Jeff was the nice one and I am the hag, but they are amazing!) Here are some stellar pictures I took for your viewing pleasure!

I actually don't have a lot of pictures because someone else was taking pictures, and I switched to the video camera because they were sharing a lot of memories and stories that I wanted to be able to catch. This was Jeff's Facebook post after his birthday: "Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes. It was a great last birthday. I am so grateful for all the love and support you have all shown my family. Love ya" I didn't read it until I was in bed in Vegas. I was so mad at him!! I couldn't feel what he was feeling, and he was mentally so much more prepared for the end than I was because he could feel his body shutting down. I believed in a miracle until the last 36 hours! But because of this, when he would say things like this that would upset me and make me cry, he was able to hug me and comfort me and tell me I was going to be okay. What an amazing blessing to be able to mourn together. (But I am getting ahead of myself!)

Brooke's Feast and Opera

Every year the 6th grade at Bluffdale Elementary puts on a medieval feast. They write their own opera and perform it for our entertainment at the feast. We get to eat fried chicken with our fingers while the peasants serve us. This year the opera the kids wrote was something about a candy store and minions disguised as green jelly beans. It was also a love story. :-)

(Honestly, the teacher explained the plot to us for even longer than the actual opera took to perform and I am still not sure that any of us parents knew what it was about) Soooo LOOK PICTURES!!!

Notice the beautiful head piece. The one the costume lady put with it didn't even come close to matching (neither did Courtney's actually) so I whipped up this precious little thing.

This is Brooke's "minion" costume. She is SOOO embarrassed her mom keeps taking pictures.

Bucket Lists

When Jeff was diagnosed again in January and we sat the kids down to tell them (my goodness we have had some *good* times - I don't know the emoticon for sarcasm, so I will use * when it is completely dripping) he asked them to make lists of things they would like to go do as a family. He told them he couldn't promise to get to them all done, but it would give us a jumping off point. Well, only the boys ever "submitted" their lists. I don't know if the girls wrote one and didn't give it to us, or if they recognized how much we had done as a family and couldn't really think of anything to add. The boys had theirs turned in that night. Gage put "The Grand Canyon" and "Yellowstone" (I think because those were things Jeff gave as examples). Jake wrote a letter to "Mr. and Mrs. Anderson, also mom and dad" He said "I want everyone to live a long long time, and I want a cell phone" (Nice try mister) Then he turned in his list that said something (if I loved you I would pull it out right now and read it again, but, well, you know) and a trip to Vegas. We thought that was weird, but doable. We actually talked about doing it a couple of different weekends during treatment, but Jeff just didn't feel that well so we kept putting it off waiting for him to feel better. When we got the news of the scans on Monday he said he didn't care what happened, we were going that weekend. He was feeling so terrible but if he was going to put on the brave face, so would I. The day after the scans he told me that he felt like he was holding lots of fluid in his stomach and he had gained 10-15 pounds over the last week. I was shocked so I called his doctor (who I already knew would not have looked at the scans yet) to ask for help. His office couldn't get us in that day, so I asked if I could even talk to him on the phone. They said he really didn't have time. I explained the whole situation begging for help. They said "No" there was no way to get help that day, but that the doctor would see us in his downtown office the next morning at 8:00. (again with the waiting - and the driving downtown, and the leaving before the kids were even up for school.) I was very frustrated (no really VERY frustrated) at this point and things got a little inappropriate. I asked "Are there any doctors there who aren't assholes who may be willing to talk to me?" Without missing a beat the poor girl on the phone said "No". I asked to leave a message and she said the doctors didn't have voice mail, but that she would pass on a message. Well, I unloaded 8 months of frustration and anger and ended with something really appropriate like "Tell him to go enjoy his night with his family, while we spend the night contemplating the fact that the dad of our family is dying and no one cares!" I figured my message would be edited in to something nice like "patient's wife is very distraught, please call if you can." (Maybe she didn't edit, because) He actually called me back that afternoon about 4:30 (and explained at least three time how awesome he was for doing so, and how much time he was giving me that I wouldn't have gotten in the clinic - and I believed him because he didn't take even one other phone call during our 20 minute conversation.) I told him about Jeff feeling like he was filling with fluid and that he had already gained over ten pounds in a week. He very wisely told me that that couldn't be the case because the scans didn't show it. But that it was probably the tumors in his lungs or blood clots in his lungs that were making him uncomfortable (wow - thanks for calling, you are helping my anxiety level so much!) He said that there was really nothing they could do until he built up enough fluid that there was enough for them to go in and drain it. He ended by telling me that it would really be better if we went on hospice. They were better suited to deal with our needs and they had people on call 24 hours a day. It was like a kick in the gut and a relief at the same time. A kick in the gut because I wasn't ready to give up, in fact we were redoubling our efforts on Vitamin C and such. But it was a relief to know that I could have a liaison and NEVER have to talk to him again. (side note - he sent a *nice* sympathy card - a**h***) So, while I was so very angry that hospice was the choice we had to go with to feel like we were getting any help I was grateful for the help. They turned out to be MOSTLY nice and very easy to work with. And it really was a blessing to get signed up with them when we did (Wednesday of that week), because they were able to hook us up with all the equipment and supplies (oxygen and morphine) I felt we we needed to make ME as comfortable as possible about making this Bucket List trip to Vegas.

The Day That Will Be Known As Crap

So - the big scans! Did it all work? We spent the whole day at the hospital while Jeff drank crap and was injected with more crap for all the scans ordered. He felt like such crap he could barely sit up (you would think that would have been some sort of sign for me - the fact that he seemed to be getting worse not better - but my denial-o-meter must have been working overtime). I tried to get him some healthy "on plan" food, but the hospital cafeteria had nothing but crap. So he ate chicken tortilla soup. I think that was the second time he had animal products in two months. He thought it was delicious! After we got home from the scans, I found we were completely out of food so I grabbed Courtney and ran to Harmon's. (If only I knew it would be the last time I ever bought asparagus!) While we were gone a wonderful friend brought Jeff the news of the scans (we are so grateful for him. Jeff's doctor wouldn't see until eight days after the scans - because it takes that long to get results, talking about being full of crap!) Crap - why wasn't I home. But in hindsight again (don't you love how I use hindsight, but post these on the days they happened) it was a blessing because if I hadn't taken Courtney shopping she would have been sitting in the living room when the news was delivered. It was better for Jeff to be able to ask all his questions and to be able to digest the news before having to share it with the kids. I got home from shopping and I could see it on his tear stained face. I just went and sat on his chaise lounge with him. He gave me a big hug and said "I am so sorry - you tried so hard" As if he hadn't tried, or as if he had failed me in some way. (Crap, big freaking jerk! - Now I am bawling again.) After sitting and hugging and crying for a few minutes we realized that Courtney was sitting in the room and watching us. So he told her, which brought another round of crying. Then he called his family, and they all gathered (more crying). When we had all said what we could say, and cried what we could cry, we asked the only logical question. What is for dinner!?! Pizza. Vegan-hood (it is a word people) had failed us. We were going with comfort food. I told him to only eat a little, but he seemed to tolerate it well, with no ill side effects. What an amazing adaptable body he had. If it wasn't for that one tiny cell that decided to take over the universe- crap! I always hated doing his medical history. It was always no, no, no, no, no...yes(crap), no, no, no... The complete results weren't in, but what we did know was crappy. The cancer had spread to his liver, pancreas, and lungs. We did know that the fighting was over, and the only hope was a miracle intervention from our Heavenly Father. (crap - said with all reverence) While I trust in His perfect plan, I hated giving up what felt like the only kind of control we had over this situation. Not that it was really any kind of control in the first place, but it felt like something, and now nothing - crap!

I'll Die Trying

Okay, so from now on all my posts will have titles from country music songs (not really, but that would be awesome, right!)

I do like this song, and I think it has a fairly appropriate message, but what it really made me think of is Jeff's fight with cancer. When he was diagnosed the second time we researched and agonized in a complete frenzy over what to do.

The first time around we just blindly did everything the doctors said and trusted that all would be well. The second time we knew better, and they didn't give us much hope, so we decided to see what was out there. There is a lot of crazy crap out there!!

It was torture trying to decide what the best route would be. We got the advice to "follow the Spirit" a lot. I don't know how it is for others, but when your life is in that much turmoil, it is really hard to hear the Spirit. For me the feeling was to choose what we were going do, and do it whole-heartedly and the rest would work out how it was meant to. So I guess technically, I wasn't that helpful, Jeff had to make the ultimate decision.

We went until the night before radiation and chemo were scheduled to start before a decision was made. He wanted to try everything, but we knew that wasn't feasible (that would kill you) so we decided to do the things that seemed to have the most research behind them. He decided that Sunday night to do the chemo and radiation, which made other options not options anymore, but in hindsight, I think that was right. Lots of the "alternatives" would have taken us from home for five days to three weeks at a time. Even though he had treatments every day Monday -Friday, we were here to send our kids off to school and here when they got home. That was important time!

As I mentioned in the last post we also did lots of alternatives. Mainly the diet. Also, handfuls of vitamins and supplements, juicing, wheat grass, mega dose vitamin c, hyperbaric chamber, hydrogen peroxide, vitamin b17 injections. That is why I think the title "I'll die trying" is so appropriate. He tried everything we could feasibly do, and he did it completely. He didn't eat sugar from the day he was diagnosed. He only ate meat products toward the end part of February, and then it was only when alternatives weren't available (hospitals do not have many vegan options), and he never ate dairy. I told him that we were going to do everything we could, the best we could, and then live with no regrets. I can honestly tell you, I have no regrets! We did everything we possibly could. I know that this was what was meant to happen. That isn't to say I am happy about it, or even okay with it, but I do know that we will be okay. We will be watched over and protected because of this challenge.

Back to the story. So Jeff did 6 rounds of chemotherapy. He went in once a week, for 6 weeks for an infusion of nasty chemicals that took over two hours. He never complained. In fact, if he felt side effects from the chemo, I never knew. It wasn't as harsh as the first round he did last year so I do think he actually had much less side effects.

He also did 7 weeks of daily radiation therapy. This treatment only took about 10 minutes (the drive was an hour round trip, so that was *great*!) It actually wasn't too bad. I drove him the last three or 4 weeks so it gave us some extra time to spend together. The side effects of the radiation were much harsher than the side effects of the chemo. They were downright terrible and nearly intolerable. He also got radiation burns that we reported when they were really small, but the doctor brushed them off and said it was normal. A week later it had gone from an inch round to 2 inches by 8 inches. We asked to talk to a doctor. His was out of the office that day and no other doctor was "willing" to see us. Yes, the nurse really said that to us. But she hooked us up with some cream and special pads for radiation burns and it was like magic. The burns were so much better in three days when we changed the dressing. (Nice that the Doctor didn't help us when the burns were small).

I was going to make this post clear through the end, but it is getting too long, so I will split it up into many small posts for your reading enjoyment. This will be the end of the treatment posts. I will leave you with the fabulous picture I snapped (with my phone) on his last day of chemo.

Passion for the Possible

We have an amazing and sweet friend, Cassidy Carbine (a childhood friend of Traci's, aren't childhood friends the best, always there when you need them!), who put together a benefit concert. I have to say, she was tenacious. Jeff and I were both bratty about it. We both like to be the center of attention, but for very different reasons and in very different ways (I think we all know my ways of being the center of attention).

But she kept at it, and felt very strongly about it, so she pushed through our bad attitudes. She put together an amazing event.

When I gave her the date to use for the event, I thought it was two weeks after treatment ended. Because of miscommunication or a misunderstanding I had of the treatment, it ended up actually being DAYS after the end of treatment. He felt SO horrible that day (denial was my best friend). The event was supposed to be from 6-10 pm. He finally got up to shower at 5 (not that I am judging, I showered at 4:30.) But just walking from the living room to the bedroom his entire body was covered in sweat. So he lay down on the bed and fell asleep. He slept until almost 6. Then he "cowboy"ed up and got shower and dressed (it was the first time I saw him in jeans in over 6 weeks - man my honey is hot!!)

We got to the event at about 6:45 - he really needed to use the restroom but he was immediately swarmed by people and he was too polite or too embarrassed to say anything, so finally Traci just made him at least sit down to talk - and it was actually the longest he had gone without using the bathroom in weeks (I think it was a little miracle.)

On the way home, I said to him "I hope this doesn't sound sick, but that event was so awesome. It was like a preview to a funeral. Not that I am planning on you dying, but no one really gets to attend their funeral, but look at how many people love you and made the effort to come out and support us. I bet you didn't even get a chance to talk to all of them." He agreed that it was amazing and he was so grateful to have done it. We had a wonderful time, and for lots of people it was their last time to see him and I am sure it is a memory they will treasure.

When he came home that night it was straight to bed where he had one of the best nights of sleep he had in weeks.

Courtney signing the banner - that now hangs in Gage's room. Notice she signed to the right, and is now signing for her friend Liz who is standing next to her. I wonder where she gets he need for attention?

This is what it is all about. A zest for life!

Random group shot (I am horrible at pictures) but there were about three rooms this size filled with people all night, and this was only the very last half an hour!

I wish I could personally thank every person who was there that night, and everyone who donated a good, service or their time. But I would surely leave someone out, mostly because there was so much love and service provided that evening - and in preparation for that evening - that I don't even know everyone who donated something or purchased something. So please know, and spread the word, that you have my undying gratitude. This did more for all our spirits than I can ever fully express.

YYYThank You!!YYY

The Info Everyone Wants (even if it isn't funny!)

My world is all about keeping it funny, and my world took a huge leap into the unfunny with the beginning of 2011. I cope by getting funnier (you have noticed, right)! But since (in the words of TAMN) this is my journal, I have to include it. But then I will hurry and bury it by funnier posts. On January 3rd Brooke had a party (for no good reason except they were off track). They went with a wintery theme and put shredded toilet paper on the fan blades to simulate snow. Between the mess that made and the 20ish preteen girls, by 4 in the afternoon I was feeling like crawling into bed for a long winter's nap. Then Jeff came home from work. The first words out of his mouth were, "The cancer is back". I was speechless (shocking, right). I just sat at the table for a few minutes without saying anything. Then he said "you think I'm joking, but I'm not." I followed that up with "At the point we are in our lives, I know you know better than to joke about that!" He didn't know a lot, but his oncologist had called and told him that it was seen on the CT and the MRI and that he wanted to see us first thing the next morning. UGH - that is a long night! The next day we showed up at the office, I am sure we had the deer in the headlights look, because that is exactly how I felt. The doctor came in and said basically, "So, the tumor is back. It is very aggressive and very fast growing. It has grown in to the pelvic bone. I am recommending that you start chemo and radiation right away to try to control the growth so it doesn't break the bone and render you immobile." Jeff replied with "So you are telling me that I am 38 and I'm not going to live to see 40?" (he has a way with words too!) The doctor sat there without saying anything for almost a minute before he said "It is very aggressive and our fear was always that it would come back". Then his phone rang and he said, "Excuse me, I need to take this!" Really, for the love!! He had set up with the radiation oncologist for us to go right downstairs to his office immediately. Shell shocked and crying, we headed down. The radiation oncologist is an older guy (who looks like Alan Alda - from MASH). He had a much better bedside manner. He hadn't had time to go through Jeff's charts completely, but based on what he knew, he said that with chemo and radiation together, we had a 10% chance of killing the cancer. He also left the room to answer a phone call (I know - I am starting a seminar to retrain doctors.) But when he came back in the room, and I was crying again, he held my hand for the rest of our visit. I thought that was sweet. (And later, while Jeff was getting his tattoo's and I was sitting in the waiting room - crying- he saw me and came out to pat my head. I won't lie, that was a little weird, but nice of him!) So we left there with a plan to start radiation on Monday (every day, Monday through Friday) and chemo on Tuesday (once a week) for five weeks. With somewhere between 0-10% chance of beating it (according to medicine). These odds were not good enough for us, so we started researching every hokey, voodoo, home remedy and alternative cancer therapy ever invented. The first thing he did cut out all sugar, dairy, and other animal products (meat and eggs) from his diet. This was done on day one! We were basing his diet changes on what is known as an alkalizing diet. It is mainly fresh fruits and vegetables. Even grains were out!! He drank LOTS of green smoothies we affectionately refer to as sludge during the first week (or ten days) while I did more research and we sought out help. (When we asked his oncologist his opinion about "alternatives" he basically said "Well, it can't hurt you at this point." Thanks Dr. Optimistic, you are awesome!) We researched alternative treatment centers all over the US and in Mexico during that first week. We weren't sure if chemo and radiation were the right path. We were very confused and on information overload. We did have the help of family members and friends researching and sending us information, which helped to focus things for me. I determined that the things that came up the most, were the ones we should try to incorporate first. By Sunday, our heads were still just spinning (not quite a week after we first found out). We had an appointment at an alternative clinic in Idaho, and an appointment for radiation on Monday morning. Jeff decided that night to go ahead with the conventional treatments of chemo and radiation, but to also incorporate the diet changes, and many supplements and other "alternative" treatments as they made sense and were feasible. We added in nuts, and after talking to a doctor who believes in holistic treatments (why they don't all believe is baffling) he recommended that if we weren't going to add in animal protein, in the form of lean meat, that we should probably add in legumes to help with a feeling of fullness. This opened some options for better tasting soups and stews (although, I still only use kidney beans (least acidic), cooked from scratch (the canned ones have sugar). **(Just a side note on doctors not believing in "non-medical" or "alternative" therapies, I picked up an article at our oncologists office that someone had photocopied and placed multiple copies in each exam room. It was on colon cancer and the conclusion of the article was that eating a healthy diet with lots of fiber and fruits and vegatables MAY reduce the risk of colon cancer and MAY lead to fewer recurrances of colon cancer in people with a previous diagnosis. But further studies should be done. I was kind of horrified. It just seems like common sense to me. And I would ask why those studies haven't been done, but as a person who is always on the diet roller coaster I know that it takes some serious dedication to stay on a healthy diet that is low in processed food. And it takes LOTS more time. - But do it, you are worth it, and studies or no - I guarantee it will benefit you! Try to get any guarantee from your doctor on anything!!) As I write this, we are sitting in Jeff's 6th chemo treatment (and last). I know I said five, but when we met with the doctor last week he said that since we still had a week of radiation left he would have Jeff do one more treatment. (I know, I think he is making it up as he goes along, too.) As far as alternatives he takes a handful of supplements in the morning and a handful at night. Drinks lots of different concoctions including Monavie, POM pomegranate juice, Aloe, Hydrogen Peroxide. We had a whole house water purification system installed, and also reverse osmosis on the kitchen sink. That is the only water I use for anything that will go IN our bodies. It tastes yucky, but I guess we get used to having minerals and junk in our water so pure H2O is pretty different. For diet, it is still mainly fruits, veggies and nuts. I have thrown in a little Basmati rice to bulk up the meals. I make him a "delicious" shot of wheat grass juice every morning (I add a couple of drops of the essential oil Frankincense to that). I am sure there is nothing more tasty in the whole world. He follows that up with a glass of freshly juiced Carrot/Apple juice. I have also come up with what I actually believe (no, really) is a yummy taco soup. I use taco sauce instead of the packet (packets have sugar), made from scratch kidney beans, the EXPENSIVE canned tomatoes (because the more expensive brands don't have sugar), and some finely chopped cauliflower. He adds jalapenos and vegan sour cream to his, but I don't. Dessert is a smoothie of almond milk, strawberries and bananas. The kids really love this! Gage asks for it every night, and lots of mornings for breakfast, too. The holistic minded doctor saw Gage one day while we were their for treatment and diagnosed him as allergic to dairy. We figured it was worth exploring and have taken the kids off dairy. They are pretty happy with almond milk, as long as I get the sweetened kind. If I mess up and a get a "milk" they don't like, it goes in the smoothie, and they don't know the difference! This is totally jumping around (which is why I should keep up on it as life goes along). We, of course, weren't okay with the 0% odds given to us by the oncologist, so I gathered all of his records and took them up to the Huntsman Cancer Institute. That same day the oncologist we already have talked to us and told us he would be happy to work with us on getting second opinions if we would like to do that. I told him we had already taken the records in. When I told him who the doctor there was, he told us that they were friends and that he would give him a call. I had mixed feelings about this because I wanted an "untainted" opinion - meaning, I didn't want our doctor to put his negative spin on things before the other doctor even had a chance to look, but at the same time, I thought "knowing" someone might get his file looked at quicker. Well it turned out to be good all around. The office at Huntsman called us back two days later. They said they agreed with the treatments we were doing and wouldn't do anything differently. They also said that they didn't have any trials or anything further they would recommend. That was sort of disappointing, given the odds we had, but at least reassuring that that we were doing all that could be done. The next day our regular oncologist called Jeff and said that he had talked to the Huntsman doctor and during that conversation determined that a bone scan was in order. (So then I felt like we got the best of both worlds, an unbiased opinion, and some collaboration.) He did the bone scan on a Monday and we met with the doctor on Tuesday at the regular chemo appointment. He told us that the bone scan showed that the cancer had not spread and it was only in the part of the pelvic bone that we already knew about. That was good news. He also talked with us in the most positive way that he has ever talked in a whole year. He said that Jeff's cancer type is closest to, and behaves like, a lung cancer. And if we take what we know about lung cancer, we can extrapolate that information and apply it to this cancer then this is what we know. If lung cancer is in one generalized location, hasn't spread, and can be radiated - and chemo can be done along with the radiation, then we know that there is a 20-30% chance for a cure! Did he just say what I think he said? There is hope, real (medical) hope. I already had hope (complete faith and trust in my Heavenly Father), but additional hope is always good too! So here are the numbers as I calculate them (and I am really good at math) 25% based on statitics + bonus 25% because he is young and doesn't smoke and drink + 50% from eating like a rabbit + 80% from thoughts, prayers and fasting +100% faith in my Heavenly Father =280% chance of being here for me to annoy for another 40 or 50 years. Yay for statistics!! So that is where we are today. We have had some of the most amazing tender mercies in our lives already. We have had friends call, stop by, share information, write letters, pray, fast, go to lunch, take the kids on outings. We also have a friend who is planning a fund raiser that we hope will just turn in to a big party where we can get together and celebrate friendship and life. We are planning lots of trips, and making memories and sharing stories of our childhoods, and our life together with our kids. I won't tell you that it has been a fun experience, but it has been a growing and learning experience that has helped us focus on and appreciate more what is most important in our lives. We are getting many opportunities to talk about faith and the gospel and eternal families and the love Heavenly Father has for all of his children. He knows each one of us personally and he knows our hearts and he knows what we need to create the best in each of us. My friend on Facebook posted a quote that I liked so much I added it to the notes on my phone.

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you can't see the whole staircase!"

Much love and thanks to you all (let the funny now resume!)

Ringing OUT the Old Year

(I am dating this 1/1/11 - but you all know I didn't write it until a month later) I have a fabulous idea for celebrating the New Year that I absolutely want to start (next year). It is to celebrate every hour by doing something that would be done where it is already midnight starting about 6 and then getting to bed by 10. Whoo hoo, party animal!! This year we did the usual. Fondue at Bruce and Sally's. Brittany and Jeremy hunt us up some pheasant and then cut up some chicken and steak (yeah, you know what I choose in that grouping of meats). Then we sit at the table and take hours to cook tiny bite size pieces of meat. It is a surprisingly good time!! Then after that is cleaned up, we do a big dance party. (I run the video camera!) The kids love this. My boys can groove!! (Or so they think.) Then we watch TV until it is almost midnight. As I sat on the couch updating my blog, the rest of the entire family went outside to light off fireworks. (I am the smart one - it was like 3 degrees or something out there!) During the week leading up to New Year Jeff had completed his follow up CT scans, a follow up with his urologist, a colonoscopy, and an MRI (ordered by a sports medicine doctor for the leg that was still in pain after the injury he had before our trip to Hawaii). The word we received on all of these visits was pretty positive. I think my post on Facebook was something to the effect of "Good Riddance 2010, I am cautiosly optomistic about 2011!" (Dun, dun, dun....)

Our Honeymoon in Hawaii

Okay, not really a honeymoon. I mean, after all, we have been married 17 years!! But it was a grownup getaway, so that is great! The trip got off to a rocky start when Jeff pulled a muscle in his upper thigh. He could barely move. Here it was, two days before a trip that we had planned six months in advance and he was literally crawling around the house! I called his oncologist (because he has the most complete medical records and had seen him most recently - and my theory was they would help us because they should know he isn't a drug seeker). They offered him a "numbing ointment"! Seriously!! Well I have street cred, so I was able to hunt up some GOOD stuff to get him slightly more comfortable (mostly I drugged him so he couldn't fight when I forced him onto the plane - no sports injury will ruin my first trip to Hawaii). I also rented a wheelchair and bought some crutches. Resourceful, yes I am!! I must say, having someone in a wheelchair in your travelling party is the ONLY way to go!! I am going to buy that wheelchair and use it on every vacation. Kim and Warren went with us because we love spending time with them! (We do, but the free accommodations with Warren's parents may have played some role in that. - Cheap, yes we are!!) Warren's mom was especially amazing, preparing most of our meals, therefore saving us on lodging and dining! We enjoyed the usual sights. The Dole Pineapple Plant, The Polynesian Cultural Center, The Laie Temple (Kim and I even got to do a session). We also made plenty of trips to Matsumotos Shave Ice. They serve Shave Ice with ice cream on the bottom. They also serve it with beans. They look like black beans, but they are a Japanese bean. Jeff got brave and tried that, not so great!! Because Warren is a great tour guide and driver we also got to see some places that the average tourist might not. Like "The Birthplace of the Gods". Which is just a grove of trees with some large flat rocks in the ground. If I was birthing a god, I would have demanded softer accommodations! I was a very good and organized tourist so I emptied my camera card and plugged my battery in to charge so that I could take plenty of pictures. It wasn't until I got to Hawaii that I realized that I had left that battery plugged in at home. So please enjoy these pictures I took with my cell phone (and the ones I stole from Kim's facebook!) (This computer I am working on won't let me add pictures, so please go to my facebook to enjoy them!)

The Giving of Thanks

So there is only one important thing to say about Thanksgiving. I miss my Grandma Bev!! But I did the best I could and I think she may have been helping a little from where she is! My kids now love these noodles and ask me to make them all the time!

We have much to be thankful for this year. That my little family is all still here and and relatively healthy tops my list! Nothing like a major health care crisis to give you perspective!

Count your many blessing - you will be surprised at all you have - I know I continuously am!

School Memories

I just had to post this, because school success post are few and far between. This is Jake getting Knighted in his Dragon Slayer ceremony. They achieve Dragon Slayer status when they can pass off all their times tables 0-12 in the specified time frame. Jake beat the record in our family. Only one of his sisters even got to Dragon Slayer, and that was in the late spring for her! Yay for boys being great at math!!

And we do a lot of homework - sometimes I want to fall asleep at the table too!

Off Track Field Trips

I thought I would pretend to be a good mommy and take my kids who go off track on a little field trip to see downtown Salt Lake City. We toured the Conference Center, and even got to see the gardens and fountains on the roof this time. We also toured Temple Square and The Beehive House. The Friend magazine did a special each month on places downtown so we used that as our tour guide. We stopped at the Church History Museum, but they were preparing the new children's exhibit, so we didn't stay.

This picture is from the top of the Conference Center.

Girls Trip 2010

This year for the girls trip we planned a cruise. Because it was so little planning I opened it up to invite anyone who was interested. We had 16 people!! It was great. (I didn't even TAKE my camera - what the heck is going on with me?) I don't really have much to say except to tell you that I am super fun and you are all missing out if you don't vacation with me. I am thinking all inclusive resort for 2011. Who is in?? The Whole Group

The family I grew up in (except for Aunt Dorinda- I don't know why she isn't in this picture)

The family I married in to - I have no idea where I am. Probably dinner!

My grandma was so awesome on this trip. When the waiters would do their cute dances at dinner, she would get up and dance with them. I hope I can get her to come EVERY year!!

September??

Okay, I don't have one picture on Facebook or my phone for September. Therefore, it didn't exist. You're welcome! Oh, and the END of chemo! YAY!

Bear Lake

Even in the midst of everything going on this year, we did make our annual trek to Bear Lake. I could have sworn I took a camera, but I can't find those pictures so again you will be treated to just those I posted on Facebook.

I hope you don't get the feeling I have a favorite kid or anything.

(Jeff in all his bald glory - may we never see that again! Even though he was bald for months, I never got used to it.)

Gage's 6th Birthday

I would enter some witty commentary here about Gage's Birthday (which I am sure we celebrated) if I even remembered celebrating it - which I don't! So I will just post these pictures for now and call it good!

After playing in the stream in St. George.

(What can I say, he pouts a LOT!!)

School Starts

July is when year round school starts!! (One of the only benefits I can still find in year round school now that I have a kid in middle school, and therefore on a traditional schedule.) I hate blogs without pictures, but I think my camera was lost all summer. So I took some really crappy pictures with my phone and posted them on facebook. I saved those pictures back to my computer - so I lovingly bring you this picture for your viewing pleasure. Courtney didn't start school until a month later, so she gets no pictures!

The Post in Which I Judge

In retrospect, I am not sure that I can really come up with monthly posts. They kind of blurred together. All I can think of about July is lots of trips to Cowabunga Bay. If I downloaded the pictures from my phone, you would see that for me, this means taking secret pictures of people who violate my rule about age and weight limits for wearing bikinis and texting them to my sister so I can make fun of them. Truth be told, I don't think bikinis are ever appropriate but if you insist on wearing them, I know with 110% certainty that people of my general size should NOT be wearing them!! (And as a fatty patty, I am qualified to make that statement!)